Somewhere in an alternate Gyllenverse, part II

[SCENE: A car's interior, nighttime. It's a modest-looking vehicle which may or may not be a hybrid. The interior is a medium gray, upholstered in leather. Stretched haphazardly across the back seat is a dark gray fleece blanket. Our impossibly gorgeous young actor is behind the wheel, looking a bit frazzled but still beautiful in a cheap lightweight black jacket, tan t-shirt, a brushed-fleece scarf that almost matches the backseat blanket, and jeans. His cell phone, tossed into the passenger seat among other debris, begins to buzz its way across the seat as it vibrates with a call.]

J: Shit. [glancing over, grabs phone, answers] Yeah?

Anonymous Party Host: [on other end of phone line] Hey, that was intense. Are you okay?

J: [sighs] Yeah, I'm fine.

APH: We saw it from the window. I had to stop Bob from running to your rescue. You sure you're okay? They were right on top of you.

J: I'm fine, really. A little flash-blind, but that's fading.

APH: I'm sorry. You should have let us use the hose.

J: As satisfying as that might have been, it wouldn't have stopped them. [stops at a traffic light, looks around] I told you I was followed. You thought I was being paranoid.

APH: [irritably] I did not say 'paranoid.'

J: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not paranoid, I'm 'nuts.' [light changes, drives on] That one guy almost lost a foot, I swear.

APH: I thought going out the back door would work. You really, really should have let us run them off first. Seriously.

J: I'm a big boy, I can handle a few photographers. But I told you they were there.

APH: [apologetically] I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone knew you were coming.

J: [signaling and then turning] They didn't. They were outside my house. They're always outside my house. They followed me. I told you, I was followed.

APH: Okay, okay. And you were right. [playfully, after a beat] So I guess this means you won't be coming to my next party?

J: [laughing] No, I'm never coming to your house again. Your parties suck, I had no fun, I left alone. In fact, delete my number from your phone.

APH: Hey, it's not my fault you left alone. That was your move, bud.

J: Yeah, well, with those guys staked out in your bushes, she'd have been instantly famous.

APH: Oh, come on. You can't claim that excuse. [teasing] You're just picky.

J: That's me, mister discriminating.

APH: Who are you supposed to be fucking these days, anyway? I've lost track.

J: So have I. Last I heard, I was seriously overrated, though. [giggling]

APH: [laughing] Someone should tell that to the guys who were in my bushes.

J: [laughing] I did. They wouldn't listen.

APH: [laughing]

J: [stopping at another light] You know, I should find out who I'm dating. I could really go for some sex right now.

APH: [laughs] You're terrible.

J: What's terrible is that my tabloid self is fucking an assortment of attractive people of either gender, and I haven't had sex in two years. [in mock despair] I'm lonely!

APH: You're so full of shit.

J: I'm full of ...something. [starts driving again]

APH: I'm hanging up now.

J: [melodramatic] But I'm so lonely!

APH: [laughing] Goodnight, Jake.

J: 'Night.

[J hangs up call, tosses phone back on seat, and drives on, smiling]

Inspiration here.

Don't panic

Trust me, this is no cause for alarm.

Radar Magazine has just released "The Hype Report--The expanded list: The world's most overrated people, places, and things," and yes, Jake Gyllenhaal came in at number 27.

I'd never heard of Radar, except as a technology unrelated to entertainment and popular culture. Billing itself as "fresh intelligence" on "pop, politics, scandal, style," this rag appears to be an anti-media form of media coverage (anti- as in anti-hero, not as in against) for pop culture. I'm about as out of step with pop culture as someone my age who isn't incarcerated in solitary confinement or in a coma could manage to be, so I can't say the magazine's premise holds much appeal to me, but it sounds refreshing compared to the alternatives, especially those so-called "entertainment" turds. Yes, I called them turds.

Generally, whenever I see something I consider unduly negative about Jake, my involuntary reflex is to jump to his defense, because goodness knows he needs my protection in the big bad world. That isn't necessary here, because Radar is not making any claims about Jake's talent as an actor, his intelligence, or his overall quality as a human being. They are referring strictly to the quantity and repetitiveness of media references to Jake over a given period.

Guys, Jake isn't shirtless. That's his leg--his foot's on the dash!

Here's How We Ranked 'Em

Media references from the past three months + duration, in months, of overratedness.
Divide that by "inherent appeal" on a scale of one to five.
EXAMPLE: Posh and Becks = 90000 + 96 months since marriage.
Divide that by 2 = 4848.0 = #1.

I'm not sure who determined the "inherent appeal" factor, nor is their definition available in the online article. I'd say that while Jake himself has an inherent appeal of 5 out of 5, the stories that have been most propagated about him over their sampling period had an inherent appeal to me of 1. Multiply the inanity of the two most popular rumors by the number of mindless twits who took them and reposted them all over the net, add in the number of tabloids that first invented, then ended, then rekindled, then ended again (because both parties refused to play) a relationship, and then add in the number of clueless folks who seem to want to blame one or both of the subjects of the gossip for that invention...*catches breath*...suffice it to say, if the editors of Radar lived in my world, where "entertainment" shows and gossip rags and blogs are avoided like carbohydrates, Jake would easily have been number 1.

All photos: IHJ.

Idol speculation

It's always wonderful to be reminded that Jake is on the minds of entertainment types other than the gossip mongers and paparazzi scum. This morning I found a blip by Liz Smith of the Baltimore Sun in which she speaks of a rumored movie-version of the musical-version of Sunset Boulevard:

I spoke with a top movie producer the other day, and he dismissed the latest round of interest in the movie. "Oh, please. Forget the musical....

"I say update the Billy Wilder original. Make Norma a washed-up star from the disco era. Cast Halle Berry and Jake Gyllenhaal."

Thanks, unknown top movie producer. Your random selection of Jake for the role once played by the iconic William Holden brightened my morning. Many of us Gyllenhaalics like to toss around ideas for future parts, especially remakes as they provide known characters from which to select. While I must sadly confess it has been many years since I saw the film, Joe Gillis does seem like an absolutely perfect fit for our man. But unlike the greedy and visionless studio types, I don't believe every movie needs to be remade. Modern remakes have gotten completely out of hand, to the point that Hollywood is revisiting films made in the mid-80s. Fortunately, Jake has so far demonstrated superior judgment in most of his choices, and I'm never really worried that he'll participate in something of such poor quality as to damage his impressive reputation.

Then there was the suggestion by the writers at IGN that the newly released BioShock game might make a great movie starring Jake. Okay, they mentioned several potential leads, including Jake's Brokeback Mountain costar Heath Ledger. But the fact that Jake popped up on their list along with Mr. Forbes' Ultimate Star Payback himself, Matt Damon is definitely not a bad sign. Their comment: "Is Gyllenhaal ready to carry a big budget flick like BioShock? We think so." I guess this impressed me most because IGN is, well, a network for gamers, and my impression is that, like their audience, its contributors are largely male. This is a vote of hetero confidence that confirms my belief in Jake's universal appeal. No, I would not be particularly thrilled at the prospect of Jake's appearance in a video game movie, but again, I trust his judgment; he'd do it only if it was worth his time.

While neither of these remarks holds any real implications for Jake, and we remain in a lazy summer limbo wondering what his next project will be, at least I am reassured that he has not been forgotten by all but the tabloids (and of course, we, the Gyllenhaalics).

Photos: IHJ.