Conan O'Brien saves the world

Okay, not really. But he did give us the absolute best, most delightfully bizarre moments with Jake so far this week. He's also the first one to even mention Zodiac among Jake's past work. Just about everything that was missing from all the prior interviews was here, starting with a change of clothes for Jake. Whether this was arbitrary or the result of some misfortune befalling the pinstriped suit, we can't say.

Conan cited the Jake Gyllenhaal beard effect, which induced Jake to talk about how he smells. This is very dangerous territory, and once again I wonder if Jake knows what he's doing to some of us when he says these things.

Having (more subtly than on his last visit) trashed his father's judgment on Letterman, it was someone else's turn to be embarrassed by Jake on national television: his friend, the devoted Red Sox fan. Gyllenhaalics can pretty well guess who that is, and being able to picture him as Jake tells the story makes it that much funnier. I always prefer that Jake humiliate himself rather than a loved one when giving interviews, but in this case a little payback for some truly eye-catching behavior was probably in order, so I'm with him here. Plus he's just so damn adorable in telling it; it's Jake's recreation that everyone will see and make fun of, and he knows that.

Conan also managed to ask Jake a somewhat personal question that wasn't invasive. I hope other tv hosts around America were taking notes. Jake said yes, he went a little crazy being between jobs for several months, and then gave us the musical tie-in that we should have had on Letterman with 50 Cent by singing a bit of Gnarls Barkley. Which he parlayed into a Gnarls Barkley duet with Conan. I love this man.

Um, Jake, that is, though Conan has definitely won me over in his own right.

So, will Jon Stewart ask Jake any of the questions sent in by fans? Honestly, it would be more than I hope for. This week's schedule is so full of Jakey goodness it has made the home stretch to Rendition's opening fly by, and the promise of another red carpet appearance (Roma Film Fest) immediately following means my adrenaline--and my pheremones--will be pumping for a while to come.

Resume attached

I have a proposition for Jake Gyllenhaal.

No, not that one. Though of course it still stands.

You see, it looks as though, predictably enough, the new film Brothers, which will probably star Jake along with Tobey Maguire, is going to be filmed on location. In other words, somewhere other than Los Angeles. The Boston Herald is reporting that David Benioff, the screenwriter for the American version of Brothers, said the producers are currently debating between locations in Boston, Massachusetts, and somewhere in New Mexico.

"I was just talking about where we’re going to shoot the movie and Massachusetts is one of the possibilties," he said. "The other possible place is New Mexico. But everyone would rather come to Boston than New Mexico. Sorry, New Mexico."

Yeah, sorry, New Mexico. You already had more than your fair share of Jake when he shot Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead. Apart from the occasional random Red Sox game, Jake hasn't been in Massachusetts since he spent the entire freakin' summer there this year.

Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh, right.

Has anyone seen Jake out with Atticus lately? I suppose it's possible that Jake had him along on the Vineyard, but somehow I doubt it. There's at least one place in Los Angeles that claims Atticus as a client (I just wasted about an hour searching for the very recent reference, and only found this one from 2006) for doggy day care or boarding. The point I'm getting at is, every time Jake runs off to shoot a movie, or promote one, or (heaven forbid!) takes a vacation, poor Atticus gets the shaft. He ought to be pampered in his own home, damn it. He needs play dates with other pooches, and some time at the dog park, too, but that can be arranged.

Atticus needs a live-in dog nanny, and I am officially offering myself for consideration. The position is ideal for me, as I have extensive house-plus-dog-sitting experience, and am looking to relocate to the Los Angeles area next year anyway. It would take care of my housing and employment in one fell swoop. I probably wouldn't ever see Jake, since he's never home, but if I did, that would be a fringe benefit beyond any lame health insurance and 401k.

I'm a longtime animal lover, immediately accepted by every companion animal I've ever encountered and favored by a few whose affection toward me even baffled their adoptive people. My salary requirements are minimal, as I won't have a rent bill to cover, and in addition to animal care I can provide other personal services as needed. I'm excellent at rebuffing telemarketers and other nuisance callers, and have no objection to brewing coffee or touching Jake's dirty underwear doing laundry when Jake is home. I am willing to be bonded. Or bound. Whatever.

Jake, if you read this, give me a call. I know Atticus will thank you for it.


All photos: IHJ.

Sox watch

Jake's sports tour of the east coast continued yesterday when he attended a Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees baseball game at Fenway Park. I'm hoping more pics will turn up soon, but I don't want to be greedy; I mean, here he is, wearing a hoodie and showing off one elegant hand, right?

If you click forward from Jake's photo to the next two on the Boston.com site, you'll see that Adrian Grenier is reported to have been "filming his documentary project on celebrity and paparazzi while the game was going on." No word yet on whether he included Jake in this footage or spoke with him about it, but I'll keep an eye out.

His continued presence here on my side of the country fits my theory that Jake would hang around until the Filmmakers Symposium screening of Rendition in New Jersey. The first session kicks off this Monday, September 17; I'd say chances are pretty good that Rendition will screen this Monday or Tuesday.
Being the intrepid Gyllenhaalic that I am, I tried to confirm my suspicions with a call to the symposium's hotline number a couple of days ago. Don't worry, I didn't reveal that I was only interested in knowing when Jake Gyllenhaal would be there*--I just asked if there were any schedule established so film buffs on a budget could make an informed choice to purchase either the Monday or Tuesday series pass. Unfortunately, as the nice lady who returned my call explained, the organizers are not really solid on a booking even up to the day it might screen, so any given film could at the last moment be moved up or bumped back between the Monday and the Tuesday venues. She also revealed that out of an average 20 potential participating films and filmmakers, they usually end up featuring about five or six.

I'm not as discouraged by that as I might be if Jake were photographed in Los Angeles yesterday. No, I won't be in New Jersey, but surely someone will, and maybe they'll get a nice juicy Gyllenbabble answer out of Jake for us. I think repeated exposure to Jake's...unique style of expression...may be the reason I'm able to understand him now; as I re-read the interview transcript I posted yesterday, I'm shaking my head and laughing to myself. Hey, I know what he meant. I think. The more I learn about him, the more I feel he's got the same empathic tendency to see a topic from all sides that causes me such ambivalence. I know what it's like, Jake.


*Actually, I would love to attend one of these even if Jake wasn't involved. Don't tell anyone.

Boston.com photo by Steve Silva; U.S. Open photos: IHJ.