There is no 'spoon

Inevitably, when a Gyllenhaalic uses Yahoo's news search to look for potential material for her nascent blog, the results page bouncily recommends that she also try the following search: Jake Gyllenhaal Reese Witherspoon (except today--it seems the Jessica Simpson fans have been doing more searches lately). This is the number one reason why I prefer to use Google's news search. But I digress.

Lately, the "news" has been pretty thin. Nowhere did they mention the most spectacular Gyllenhappening of the past week, for example. Thankfully sources like Wet Dark and Wild and Jake Watch are on the job. And thanks, Jake, for giving me this lovely reminder that I do not have to work at our annual 5K this year, since budget cuts mean there will be no 5K.

No, the only "news" I got the other day was the post by an entertainment blogger who thinks Jake is among seven stars in danger of falling off the "A-List." Someone please let this gentleman know that Jake hasn't quite made the so-called "A-List" yet, and he's got plenty of very satisfied fans who would love nothing more than to see him keep choosing roles based on what they say to him, and what he can do with them, rather than their potential for box office. There are enough of those fools already. Jake makes movies I actually enjoy (well, there was Highway...). If he took the advice of people like this guy, he'd be doing a series of soulless blockbusters until eventually he became just another greedy actor.

Next, this.


Yes, I included it in my last post. But I'm not done enjoying it yet. And apparently I'm not the only one whose eye was caught by this, amongst the dozens of other new pictures posted alongside it over at IHJ. It was taken at the New York City premiere of Jarhead. I cannot overstate how grateful I am to Ally and Stephanie at IHJ for keeping the Jake pics coming. Without them and their secret, powerful media connections, desperate addicts like myself would not be treated to pictures from events two years in the past just at the moment when a Jake-drought is threatening to desiccate my joie de vivre and permit reality to spoil my days.

Finally, for now, I want to take a moment to say hello to my reader in Seoul, Korea. You have no idea what your faithful viewing of my blog means to me. My friends are here because they know me from other places. They felt compelled, in other words. (Now they're going to bash me for saying that.) You, on the other hand, are a complete stranger, and yet you appear to be reading my posts just about every day. It occurred to me that you might just be some kind of hiccup in a poorly-configured network, but I'm trying to be less cynical these days, so I am embracing you as a human viewer. Thank you for providing an audience.

Photos: IHJ.

Food for thought

This afternoon I spent twenty precious minutes of my one-hour lunch washing the bugs off of every leaf of a head of iceberg lettuce. It was nasty, but the worst part is that I'd already made (and eaten) a salad from that lettuce before discovering the infestation. Oh well. As usual, my thoughts drifted to Jake. Would he take the time to wash iceberg lettuce? Would he even disgrace his palate with iceberg lettuce? Probably not. But then, Jake is not a vegetarian on a tight budget trying desperately to lose weight.

Every time I cook, and the result is generally a monochromatic, unappetizing pile of soy-based sludge (yes, I add vegetables, but you can't tell by the time I'm done), the same idea rolls into my head: Jake would be horrified. And I know he would. If Jake Gyllenhaal, avowed foodie, cupcake- and blood sausage-eater extraordinaire (well, not together--that I know of, anyway), Mr. my Milanese is amazing, saw what this Italian-American woman has been feeding herself for the past seven months, he would weep for me. He's sensitive like that.

But I don't believe Jake has ever been fat. This picture of him with the white towel is the heaviest I've ever seen him. I'd estimate he might be carrying at the most an extra ten pounds here. Okay, fifteen. Scandalous! An innately active, athletic person like Jake generally will never face the problem with weight that I've endured my entire life. This is not the first time I've lost over fifty pounds. Hell, it isn't even the second. I am hoping it is the last.

However, it should go without saying that were I ever to have the privilege of dining with (or--gasp!--being cooked for by) Jake, he could feed me pizza, filet mignon, or Sprinkles cupcakes, and I'd eat it all. You bet I would. A girl has to know her priorities.

All photos: IHJ and the IHJ Community.

Another workout revelation

How do they get these photos? IHJ has just posted a new set of shots which appear to be from The Guardian Weekend article promoting Zodiac's UK release. Okay, so they aren't new new, but damn, there are a lot more than we've already seen.

This is, I believe, the look of Douglas Freeman, whom we will meet in Rendition. As if I weren't already excited enough about that upcoming release. I also suspect someone else has dressed him for this shoot, as I didn't realize it before, but Jake is missing the trademark white undershirt.

On a related (not really, but it is if I say it is) note, Jake's Rendition co-star, Reese Witherspoon, was just announced yesterday to be Avon's first ever Global Ambassador. Chalk up another learning experience for me--I had no idea of the existence of the Avon Foundation, but apparently I'm the only one. All I know is, there I was at the gym, once again looking up momentarily from my book during a rest between sets, and I saw Reese in some kind of press conference, followed by a blurb about a first look at her new movie Rendition tomorrow night. Which would now be tonight. For those who are desperate enough to sit through one of these so-called entertainment shows to possibly get a peek at some clips, it was either Entertainment Tonight or Insider (because sometimes they talk on ET about stuff they want you to watch on Insider, and I couldn't hear a word that was said, and I was too excited to read the captioning). I tried to verify this info for you, but according to TV Guide, neither show has anything about Reese, Rendition, or Jake. So don't blame me if you sit down with a bowl of popcorn and end up watching 30 minutes of crap. We're all taking a chance here. But I think it's worth it.


All photos: IHJ.

Impenetrable mysteries of the Gyllenverse, part I

A few days ago, some new-but-old photos of Jake out biking were posted by the diligent and invaluable Stephanie at IHJ. As usual, the man looks outrageously attractive while exercising. There should be a law against this. Where's the sweat, Gyllenhaal? Anyway, these pics reminded me of something I've noticed before.

We all saw Jake's naked head in Jarhead. His skull is perfectly shaped, if somewhat large. Why is it, then, that every time we see him in a bike helmet, the thing is tilted ever so slightly to his right (our left)?







It's not so much the fact that it's not straight that niggles at me; that seems reasonable enough. But it's always to his right side. Think I'm exaggerating? Take a look at some evidence. I am so not kidding here. Since I have nothing better to do, I've developed a few theories to explain this consistency.

1. It's intentional. Jake likes to be a little goofy.
2. He put it on that way because he really can't tell where the top of his head is without looking in a mirror.
3. He makes a lot of steep right turns every time he rides, and centrifugal force pulls the helmet off-kilter.

I may never know the truth behind this phenomenon, but the important thing is that I recognize it exists and appreciate it as a part of the endless quirkiness that makes me a Gyllenhaalic. Jake: the man, the enigma, the goofball.

All photos: IHJ.