There is no 'spoon

Inevitably, when a Gyllenhaalic uses Yahoo's news search to look for potential material for her nascent blog, the results page bouncily recommends that she also try the following search: Jake Gyllenhaal Reese Witherspoon (except today--it seems the Jessica Simpson fans have been doing more searches lately). This is the number one reason why I prefer to use Google's news search. But I digress.

Lately, the "news" has been pretty thin. Nowhere did they mention the most spectacular Gyllenhappening of the past week, for example. Thankfully sources like Wet Dark and Wild and Jake Watch are on the job. And thanks, Jake, for giving me this lovely reminder that I do not have to work at our annual 5K this year, since budget cuts mean there will be no 5K.

No, the only "news" I got the other day was the post by an entertainment blogger who thinks Jake is among seven stars in danger of falling off the "A-List." Someone please let this gentleman know that Jake hasn't quite made the so-called "A-List" yet, and he's got plenty of very satisfied fans who would love nothing more than to see him keep choosing roles based on what they say to him, and what he can do with them, rather than their potential for box office. There are enough of those fools already. Jake makes movies I actually enjoy (well, there was Highway...). If he took the advice of people like this guy, he'd be doing a series of soulless blockbusters until eventually he became just another greedy actor.

Next, this.


Yes, I included it in my last post. But I'm not done enjoying it yet. And apparently I'm not the only one whose eye was caught by this, amongst the dozens of other new pictures posted alongside it over at IHJ. It was taken at the New York City premiere of Jarhead. I cannot overstate how grateful I am to Ally and Stephanie at IHJ for keeping the Jake pics coming. Without them and their secret, powerful media connections, desperate addicts like myself would not be treated to pictures from events two years in the past just at the moment when a Jake-drought is threatening to desiccate my joie de vivre and permit reality to spoil my days.

Finally, for now, I want to take a moment to say hello to my reader in Seoul, Korea. You have no idea what your faithful viewing of my blog means to me. My friends are here because they know me from other places. They felt compelled, in other words. (Now they're going to bash me for saying that.) You, on the other hand, are a complete stranger, and yet you appear to be reading my posts just about every day. It occurred to me that you might just be some kind of hiccup in a poorly-configured network, but I'm trying to be less cynical these days, so I am embracing you as a human viewer. Thank you for providing an audience.

Photos: IHJ.

Impenetrable mysteries of the Gyllenverse, part I

A few days ago, some new-but-old photos of Jake out biking were posted by the diligent and invaluable Stephanie at IHJ. As usual, the man looks outrageously attractive while exercising. There should be a law against this. Where's the sweat, Gyllenhaal? Anyway, these pics reminded me of something I've noticed before.

We all saw Jake's naked head in Jarhead. His skull is perfectly shaped, if somewhat large. Why is it, then, that every time we see him in a bike helmet, the thing is tilted ever so slightly to his right (our left)?







It's not so much the fact that it's not straight that niggles at me; that seems reasonable enough. But it's always to his right side. Think I'm exaggerating? Take a look at some evidence. I am so not kidding here. Since I have nothing better to do, I've developed a few theories to explain this consistency.

1. It's intentional. Jake likes to be a little goofy.
2. He put it on that way because he really can't tell where the top of his head is without looking in a mirror.
3. He makes a lot of steep right turns every time he rides, and centrifugal force pulls the helmet off-kilter.

I may never know the truth behind this phenomenon, but the important thing is that I recognize it exists and appreciate it as a part of the endless quirkiness that makes me a Gyllenhaalic. Jake: the man, the enigma, the goofball.

All photos: IHJ.