Worth a shot

Here's something I've been compiling in my head for a few days. I finally had a chance to start putting it down while I was in the doctor's office waiting room this morning. Please, settle back now and enjoy...


Attention Jake Gyllenhaal: Ten Reasons Why You Should Marry Me

1. You won't have to bend nearly double to kiss me. All it will take is a gentle dip of your head. In fact, all of our parts will line up perfectly. You could grab my ass without dislocating your shoulder. And while my self-esteem may not be exemplary, I do know that my ass is very much worth grabbing. Trust me.


2. There is no ex for you to be compared with in my past. In any department. No matter what you say or do, it's all new to me and not something to be submitted to my own subconscious grade scale.


3. I always carry my own damn purse, which is not suitcase-sized, and when I don't feel like carrying one, I leave it at home. Plus, I've been known to carry the wallet of my male companion in said purse upon request, so he wouldn't have to sit on a lump while driving or in a movie theater seat.


4. I don't find you the least bit boring. Going to clubs holds no appeal to me. My idea of a perfect evening is to spend it curled up on the couch with you, just talking, or watching a movie together. Walks on the beach are also highly ranked. Hell, walks anywhere would be great, and my legs are as long as yours, so you don't have to worry about adjusting your stride to accommodate mine.


5. Your work and mine will never cause scheduling conflicts. Actually, once I get to California I have no idea what work I'll be doing, unless I can get a writing grant. But I am free to travel with you when desired, or stay at home and water the plants. Either way, I'll take loving care of Atticus so you can concentrate on your job.


6. Speaking of dependents, I currently have none of the human variety. I am more than willing to change that, granted the appropriate partner (i.e. yourself). Our children are statistically assured to be tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed angels like their Daddy. Just do a Punnett square if you don't believe me. (I know that looks aren't everything, but this is a nice bonus.)


7. Should you, however, be in the mood for romping with children immediately, my nephew and your niece are close enough in age to make terrific playmates for each other. He's a good-natured, happy baby who loves male voices.


8. That need of yours, to have an audience, will always be satisfied with genuine interest, occasional eye rolling, frequent warm indulgence and hearty laughter. I'm already doing all of that, because there's no one and nothing I love to watch more than you.


9. You love to cook. I hate to cook. And we both hate the taste of cilantro. You can order me around the kitchen, or order me to get the hell out while you conjure whatever culinary magic your heart desires. I will eat anything you serve, willingly, eagerly, with lust in my eyes and appreciative noises issuing from my throat. Umm.


10. My absolute non-celebrity will make our couplehood spectacularly uninteresting to the tabloids and press. No one is going to ask you questions about me while you're trying to promote a movie, unless they happen to actually know and care about both of us, which is unlikely. Of course, paparazzi are still going to chase you, because you're so damn photogenic, but half of them will probably mistake me for your sister anyway.

All photos: IHJ.

Resume attached

I have a proposition for Jake Gyllenhaal.

No, not that one. Though of course it still stands.

You see, it looks as though, predictably enough, the new film Brothers, which will probably star Jake along with Tobey Maguire, is going to be filmed on location. In other words, somewhere other than Los Angeles. The Boston Herald is reporting that David Benioff, the screenwriter for the American version of Brothers, said the producers are currently debating between locations in Boston, Massachusetts, and somewhere in New Mexico.

"I was just talking about where we’re going to shoot the movie and Massachusetts is one of the possibilties," he said. "The other possible place is New Mexico. But everyone would rather come to Boston than New Mexico. Sorry, New Mexico."

Yeah, sorry, New Mexico. You already had more than your fair share of Jake when he shot Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead. Apart from the occasional random Red Sox game, Jake hasn't been in Massachusetts since he spent the entire freakin' summer there this year.

Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh, right.

Has anyone seen Jake out with Atticus lately? I suppose it's possible that Jake had him along on the Vineyard, but somehow I doubt it. There's at least one place in Los Angeles that claims Atticus as a client (I just wasted about an hour searching for the very recent reference, and only found this one from 2006) for doggy day care or boarding. The point I'm getting at is, every time Jake runs off to shoot a movie, or promote one, or (heaven forbid!) takes a vacation, poor Atticus gets the shaft. He ought to be pampered in his own home, damn it. He needs play dates with other pooches, and some time at the dog park, too, but that can be arranged.

Atticus needs a live-in dog nanny, and I am officially offering myself for consideration. The position is ideal for me, as I have extensive house-plus-dog-sitting experience, and am looking to relocate to the Los Angeles area next year anyway. It would take care of my housing and employment in one fell swoop. I probably wouldn't ever see Jake, since he's never home, but if I did, that would be a fringe benefit beyond any lame health insurance and 401k.

I'm a longtime animal lover, immediately accepted by every companion animal I've ever encountered and favored by a few whose affection toward me even baffled their adoptive people. My salary requirements are minimal, as I won't have a rent bill to cover, and in addition to animal care I can provide other personal services as needed. I'm excellent at rebuffing telemarketers and other nuisance callers, and have no objection to brewing coffee or touching Jake's dirty underwear doing laundry when Jake is home. I am willing to be bonded. Or bound. Whatever.

Jake, if you read this, give me a call. I know Atticus will thank you for it.


All photos: IHJ.