11/8/07

Worth a shot

Here's something I've been compiling in my head for a few days. I finally had a chance to start putting it down while I was in the doctor's office waiting room this morning. Please, settle back now and enjoy...


Attention Jake Gyllenhaal: Ten Reasons Why You Should Marry Me

    Jake and Reese in Rome. I'm taller.
  1. You won't have to bend nearly double to kiss me. All it will take is a gentle dip of your head. In fact, all of our parts will line up perfectly. You could grab my ass without dislocating your shoulder. And while my self-esteem may not be exemplary, I do know that my ass is very much worth grabbing. Trust me.

  2. There is no ex for you to be compared with in my past. In any department. No matter what you say or do, it's all new to me and not something to be submitted to my own subconscious grade scale.

  3. Jake carried Kirsten's bag. I carry my own. Unless he really wants to, of course.
  4. I always carry my own damn purse, which is not suitcase-sized, and when I don't feel like carrying one, I leave it at home. Plus, I've been known to carry the wallet of my male companion in said purse upon request, so he wouldn't have to sit on a lump while driving or in a movie theater seat.

  5. I don't find you the least bit boring. Going to clubs holds no appeal to me. My idea of a perfect evening is to spend it curled up on the couch with you, just talking, or watching a movie together. Walks on the beach are also highly ranked. Hell, walks anywhere would be great, and my legs are as long as yours, so you don't have to worry about adjusting your stride to accommodate mine.

  6. Jake's boy Atticus would love me, too
  7. Your work and mine will never cause scheduling conflicts. Actually, once I get to California I have no idea what work I'll be doing, unless I can get a writing grant. But I am free to travel with you when desired, or stay at home and water the plants. Either way, I'll take loving care of Atticus so you can concentrate on your job.

  8. Speaking of dependents, I currently have none of the human variety. I am more than willing to change that, granted the appropriate partner (i.e. yourself). Our children are statistically assured to be tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed angels like their Daddy. Just do a Punnett square if you don't believe me. (I know that looks aren't everything, but this is a nice bonus.)

  9. Uncle Jake
  10. Should you, however, be in the mood for romping with children immediately, my nephew and your niece are close enough in age to make terrific playmates for each other. He's a good-natured, happy baby who loves male voices.

  11. That need of yours, to have an audience, will always be satisfied with genuine interest, occasional eye rolling, frequent warm indulgence and hearty laughter. I'm already doing all of that, because there's no one and nothing I love to watch more than you.

  12. Chef Jacob Gyllenhaal. Yummy.
  13. You love to cook. I hate to cook. And we both hate the taste of cilantro. You can order me around the kitchen, or order me to get the hell out while you conjure whatever culinary magic your heart desires. I will eat anything you serve, willingly, eagerly, with lust in my eyes and appreciative noises issuing from my throat. Umm.

  14. My absolute non-celebrity will make our couplehood spectacularly uninteresting to the tabloids and press. No one is going to ask you questions about me while you're trying to promote a movie, unless they happen to actually know and care about both of us, which is unlikely. Of course, paparazzi are still going to chase you, because you're so damn photogenic, but half of them will probably mistake me for your sister anyway.
Jake and I posed for...oh, wait, that's Maggie.

All photos: IHJ.

6 comments

Xenia said...

I can relate to almost every single point you listed except that I'm just slightly taller than Reese (I guess) and dark-eyed...just an average Italian chick ;)

Oh and I LOVE to cook either, Jake...even if I'm not as good as you, and I need a spatula to mix ingredients instead of that clever wrisrts quick movement of yours, and I'm not as SEXY as you when I cook, NO.WAY...:D

Imagine watching him cooking, that fine ass of his, his arm muscles flexing...OK. I have to stop now...

Cherita said...

If Jake ever did decide to start a cooking show, you know it would be a hit. There's no chef on tv as sexy as him, and with his wonderful personality even people who didn't give a shit about cooking would tune in.

Of course, I'd prefer to watch him in our own private kitchen, possibly with him wearing nothing more than an apron. Talk about working up an appetite! But I'm a mess when it comes to cooking. Every time I go into the kitchen to make something, regardless of how simple the product or the process, I use no fewer than three paper towels. Seriously, it happens every time.

ncwoman said...

I can attest that Jake and Cherita would definitely have gorgeous children!! Tall, dark-haired and blue-eyed just like both their parents!

Of course, I'd prefer to watch him in our own private kitchen, possibly with him wearing nothing more than an apron..
Holy crap, the mental images...

BirdGirl said...

Well ladies I must confess, I am short and I am blonde. Don't hit me. You know I'm not 98 lbs.

I love your list darling. The image of Jake cooking in a private kitchen is enough to send me over the edge. Naked. Naturally.

Cherita said...

Thanks for that testimonial, Charlene! My mom took me to her hair stylist last week, and a few days later she came in and told me that the stylist thought I was in my 20s. That made me feel pretty good.

BG, I won't hold your being a petite blonde against you. I don't hold it against Reese, either, really. It's Jake who needs to realize the plight of amazons and share his tall, sexy self with someone whose selection of men as tall or taller is far more limited. I'm telling you, if he gave me the chance, I could make him feel more intensely masculine and powerful than anyone he's been with so far.

Are you listening, Jake?

BirdGirl said...

I'm sure you could honey. ;) I would like to give it a go too. What can I say he doesn't know what he's missing.