Somewhere in an alternate Gyllenverse, part II

[SCENE: A car's interior, nighttime. It's a modest-looking vehicle which may or may not be a hybrid. The interior is a medium gray, upholstered in leather. Stretched haphazardly across the back seat is a dark gray fleece blanket. Our impossibly gorgeous young actor is behind the wheel, looking a bit frazzled but still beautiful in a cheap lightweight black jacket, tan t-shirt, a brushed-fleece scarf that almost matches the backseat blanket, and jeans. His cell phone, tossed into the passenger seat among other debris, begins to buzz its way across the seat as it vibrates with a call.]

J: Shit. [glancing over, grabs phone, answers] Yeah?

Anonymous Party Host: [on other end of phone line] Hey, that was intense. Are you okay?

J: [sighs] Yeah, I'm fine.

APH: We saw it from the window. I had to stop Bob from running to your rescue. You sure you're okay? They were right on top of you.

J: I'm fine, really. A little flash-blind, but that's fading.

APH: I'm sorry. You should have let us use the hose.

J: As satisfying as that might have been, it wouldn't have stopped them. [stops at a traffic light, looks around] I told you I was followed. You thought I was being paranoid.

APH: [irritably] I did not say 'paranoid.'

J: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not paranoid, I'm 'nuts.' [light changes, drives on] That one guy almost lost a foot, I swear.

APH: I thought going out the back door would work. You really, really should have let us run them off first. Seriously.

J: I'm a big boy, I can handle a few photographers. But I told you they were there.

APH: [apologetically] I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think anyone knew you were coming.

J: [signaling and then turning] They didn't. They were outside my house. They're always outside my house. They followed me. I told you, I was followed.

APH: Okay, okay. And you were right. [playfully, after a beat] So I guess this means you won't be coming to my next party?

J: [laughing] No, I'm never coming to your house again. Your parties suck, I had no fun, I left alone. In fact, delete my number from your phone.

APH: Hey, it's not my fault you left alone. That was your move, bud.

J: Yeah, well, with those guys staked out in your bushes, she'd have been instantly famous.

APH: Oh, come on. You can't claim that excuse. [teasing] You're just picky.

J: That's me, mister discriminating.

APH: Who are you supposed to be fucking these days, anyway? I've lost track.

J: So have I. Last I heard, I was seriously overrated, though. [giggling]

APH: [laughing] Someone should tell that to the guys who were in my bushes.

J: [laughing] I did. They wouldn't listen.

APH: [laughing]

J: [stopping at another light] You know, I should find out who I'm dating. I could really go for some sex right now.

APH: [laughs] You're terrible.

J: What's terrible is that my tabloid self is fucking an assortment of attractive people of either gender, and I haven't had sex in two years. [in mock despair] I'm lonely!

APH: You're so full of shit.

J: I'm full of ...something. [starts driving again]

APH: I'm hanging up now.

J: [melodramatic] But I'm so lonely!

APH: [laughing] Goodnight, Jake.

J: 'Night.

[J hangs up call, tosses phone back on seat, and drives on, smiling]

Inspiration here.

Resume attached

I have a proposition for Jake Gyllenhaal.

No, not that one. Though of course it still stands.

You see, it looks as though, predictably enough, the new film Brothers, which will probably star Jake along with Tobey Maguire, is going to be filmed on location. In other words, somewhere other than Los Angeles. The Boston Herald is reporting that David Benioff, the screenwriter for the American version of Brothers, said the producers are currently debating between locations in Boston, Massachusetts, and somewhere in New Mexico.

"I was just talking about where we’re going to shoot the movie and Massachusetts is one of the possibilties," he said. "The other possible place is New Mexico. But everyone would rather come to Boston than New Mexico. Sorry, New Mexico."

Yeah, sorry, New Mexico. You already had more than your fair share of Jake when he shot Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead. Apart from the occasional random Red Sox game, Jake hasn't been in Massachusetts since he spent the entire freakin' summer there this year.

Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh, right.

Has anyone seen Jake out with Atticus lately? I suppose it's possible that Jake had him along on the Vineyard, but somehow I doubt it. There's at least one place in Los Angeles that claims Atticus as a client (I just wasted about an hour searching for the very recent reference, and only found this one from 2006) for doggy day care or boarding. The point I'm getting at is, every time Jake runs off to shoot a movie, or promote one, or (heaven forbid!) takes a vacation, poor Atticus gets the shaft. He ought to be pampered in his own home, damn it. He needs play dates with other pooches, and some time at the dog park, too, but that can be arranged.

Atticus needs a live-in dog nanny, and I am officially offering myself for consideration. The position is ideal for me, as I have extensive house-plus-dog-sitting experience, and am looking to relocate to the Los Angeles area next year anyway. It would take care of my housing and employment in one fell swoop. I probably wouldn't ever see Jake, since he's never home, but if I did, that would be a fringe benefit beyond any lame health insurance and 401k.

I'm a longtime animal lover, immediately accepted by every companion animal I've ever encountered and favored by a few whose affection toward me even baffled their adoptive people. My salary requirements are minimal, as I won't have a rent bill to cover, and in addition to animal care I can provide other personal services as needed. I'm excellent at rebuffing telemarketers and other nuisance callers, and have no objection to brewing coffee or touching Jake's dirty underwear doing laundry when Jake is home. I am willing to be bonded. Or bound. Whatever.

Jake, if you read this, give me a call. I know Atticus will thank you for it.


All photos: IHJ.

Morning glow

With thanks to Stephanie at IHJ, who apparently never sleeps, we have two new delights this morning before I've even brushed my teeth. First, go look at the website of Interview Magazine. They've just made available the photos from David Fincher's interview with Jake Gyllenhaal, and even a sound file with a few minutes of the recorded interview. When I said I'd like to see clean digital versions of these images, I didn't know Interview would be so obliging. They do look much better this way, as far as color and quality. They're still silly, but who cares?

I haven't read the interview online (I won't say where because I don't want to get anyone into trouble), but I certainly appreciate it being there, as it means I may not have to buy the magazine after all. Yes, you heard me right. I don't make a habit anymore of buying magazines just because someone is in them. Been there, done that, cleaned up the fire hazard, all those years ago.

In addition to the Interview treat, we've got this exciting new photographic evidence that Jake valet parks to buy coffee.

In truth, I hope he dined at the restaurant before leaving with his cup o' joe-to-go. Something about having to valet park just for takeout strikes me as really depressing. Of course, no one forced Jake to buy overpriced pre-brewed coffee in a swanky paper cup. Maybe he's so used to this lifestyle that he doesn't even see how ridiculous it is.

All photos: IHJ.

Mirror

So many times, you have said
You don't yet know who you are
And those who know you speak of a sadness unexplained

Perhaps to hear too many kind words
Can be as destructive as hearing none
Do you search your mirror for this perfect creation,
A god among men,
Fantasy of thousands and inspiration of many?
What do you see?

How could anyone live up to all that has been,
And will be,
Ascribed to you?
You are but a man, in flesh and blood;
The beauty of that flesh is incidental

While you are still quite young
With long years ahead in which you may learn by your successes
And failures
I hope that you can hear the words of your father
And realize that your value lies not
In the mirror's reflection
But in the man that stands before it

You are as unique as the rest of us
As deserving of joy
And as entitled to pain
In whatever shapes they may come
And whether handled with grace
Or fumbled
The photographs will be examined, collected, and dissected
And the end result will be the same, no matter
Because only you know your heart
And only you are fit to judge your actions

My wish for you is that you might see
All these things, ideas of you, even those you find impossible
Not as some script that you must follow
But as the reflection of all that you are,
Viewed through the eyes of so many individuals,
Each with our own dreams and needs
For it is not necessary that you struggle to embody all that others
Project upon you
When finally you understand that you are simply our mirror

If you have done what in your heart you know to be right,
Then you have done all you need do
And if you have pleased yourself,
Then you have satisfied the only one you must satisfy

There will always be millions of strangers
Who know your name
And none of them will ever know
What it is to walk around in your skin

Wonder no more who you are
--you are not one thing,
One definition to the exclusion of all others
But know that you are, whatever else,
Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal,
Human being


(previously posted to the JW forums, 3/26/07)

I've been thinking a lot about this piece again lately, thanks to all the garbage that I have to slog through each time I look for valid news of Jake. Don't ask me why those things bother me; I don't believe Jake is exposed to any of it, and even if he were, I doubt he's insecure enough that it would make a difference. Maybe it's a form of guilt for being part of the problem.

As a poem, it is seriously flawed, but the feeling is right. Consider it the literary version of wrapping Jake in my arms, holding him, and telling him he's loved. He doesn't need me to do that, but if he ever did, I'd be available at a moment's notice.

Photos: IHJ.

Hey there, handsome

Everyone's excited over the photos of Jake included with the October issue of Interview magazine. I actually prefer this one, reported to have been taken yesterday in Hollywood, because it's natural. Hell, it's beautiful. More at JJ. Lady, why the scowl? Jake's smiling. You'd better believe if it were part of my job to be walking around talking to and dining with Jake Gyllenhaal, I'd be grinning from ear to ear the entire time. She ought to trade jobs with me. I wonder how she'd do dealing with arcane public policies, employees that refuse to complete paperwork correctly, and callers who can't enunciate, all on a government-peon salary. Maybe then she'd appreciate a little stroll and chitchat with the lovely one.

I certainly don't dislike the Interview photos. But they look about as authentic as this one from W. We know Jake really is an active, sporty guy. Somehow these images manage to make him look like a fraud. I can't decide if the silliness of them was completely intentional, on the part of Jake or photographer Mark Seliger. Maybe I'm just cynical today.

I'll say this: Seliger missed the boat on this one. Jake should have been wearing a tank shirt and working those oars. I've always thought he had the shoulders and arms of a rower.

So, we have no evidence of Jake or anyone else from Rendition having been in New Jersey for the Filmmakers Symposium's opening week. Damn good thing I didn't sell one of my kidneys for travel money. Oh, well. The symposium continues to run through December 4. It might still happen, and if it does, someone, somewhere is sure to report having been there. If there's one universal truth, it is that people who see Jake in person all want to tell the world about it. I can't imagine why.

Nobody is more down-to-earth and genuinely cool than Jake Gyllenhaal. I just like him a lot personally. I feel that he has not been affected much by stardom. -- Jim Nelson, GQ's Editor in Chief

And he wasn't even the one interviewing Jake. Our boy leaves quite the impression.

Photos: Simple Answers to Complex Questions, IHJ, and Just Jared.

Don't panic

Trust me, this is no cause for alarm.

Radar Magazine has just released "The Hype Report--The expanded list: The world's most overrated people, places, and things," and yes, Jake Gyllenhaal came in at number 27.

I'd never heard of Radar, except as a technology unrelated to entertainment and popular culture. Billing itself as "fresh intelligence" on "pop, politics, scandal, style," this rag appears to be an anti-media form of media coverage (anti- as in anti-hero, not as in against) for pop culture. I'm about as out of step with pop culture as someone my age who isn't incarcerated in solitary confinement or in a coma could manage to be, so I can't say the magazine's premise holds much appeal to me, but it sounds refreshing compared to the alternatives, especially those so-called "entertainment" turds. Yes, I called them turds.

Generally, whenever I see something I consider unduly negative about Jake, my involuntary reflex is to jump to his defense, because goodness knows he needs my protection in the big bad world. That isn't necessary here, because Radar is not making any claims about Jake's talent as an actor, his intelligence, or his overall quality as a human being. They are referring strictly to the quantity and repetitiveness of media references to Jake over a given period.

Guys, Jake isn't shirtless. That's his leg--his foot's on the dash!

Here's How We Ranked 'Em

Media references from the past three months + duration, in months, of overratedness.
Divide that by "inherent appeal" on a scale of one to five.
EXAMPLE: Posh and Becks = 90000 + 96 months since marriage.
Divide that by 2 = 4848.0 = #1.

I'm not sure who determined the "inherent appeal" factor, nor is their definition available in the online article. I'd say that while Jake himself has an inherent appeal of 5 out of 5, the stories that have been most propagated about him over their sampling period had an inherent appeal to me of 1. Multiply the inanity of the two most popular rumors by the number of mindless twits who took them and reposted them all over the net, add in the number of tabloids that first invented, then ended, then rekindled, then ended again (because both parties refused to play) a relationship, and then add in the number of clueless folks who seem to want to blame one or both of the subjects of the gossip for that invention...*catches breath*...suffice it to say, if the editors of Radar lived in my world, where "entertainment" shows and gossip rags and blogs are avoided like carbohydrates, Jake would easily have been number 1.

All photos: IHJ.

Totally random man

Wonderful news! It looks like that Jake Gyllenhaal Cloning Project was secretly carried off. Either that, or he truly is a supernatural being, the divine entity his...divine-ness...always suggested. How else can we explain his presence in three different states at the same time?



New York, NY:

Jake Gyllenhaal (wearing a Boston Red Sox baseball hat) and unidentified date leaving the restaurant August in the West Village after having brunch together and separating immediately after seeing a photographer, to avoid being photographed together. After going separate ways, they both got on their cell phones to speak to each other. 9.16.07

Austin, TX:

But readers have reported other sightings: ... Jake Gyllenhaal showed up for Wilco, while Long and Barrymore mugged for the big screens during the same show. Mark Zupan , captain of the United States quadriplegic wheelchair rugby team, hung out in the artists village on Sunday.

West Hollywood, CA:

While much of Hollywood flocked to the Emmy Awards, Jake Gyllenhaal hit up West Hollywood eatery Il Sole for a dinner meeting. The Rendition star delved into a seven-layer lasagna while he chatted business.

In the name of science, I endeavored to determine if Jake, as an actual time-space continuum-bound mortal, could in fact have been in all three locations on Sunday. Here's the breakdown:

• New York, lunch--I'm not a New Yorker, but in my parts, lunch would be the name applied to a meal generally occurring between 11 am and 2 pm. Let's say Jake's lunch ended around 2 pm.
• Jake departs New York at about 2:30 pm Eastern Daylight Time.
• Average flight duration between JFK airport (according to a brief and completely unscientific search at Orbitz) and AUS in Austin clocks in at 4 hours, 35 minutes.
• That would make it about 6:05 pm Central Daylight Time when Jake arrives in Texas.
• According to the festival's site, Wilco, the one act Jake was identified to have watched, went onstage between 6:30 pm and 7:45 pm Central.
• Assuming Jake left after the Wilco performance, which we'll say really finished up around 8 pm, he could have made it back to AUS by 8:30 (she says, without any clue as to how long it really takes to drive from the concert venue to the airport).
• Another unscientific search at Orbitz tells me that average flight duration from AUS to LAX is somewhere between 3 hours 5 minutes and 3 hours 10 minutes.
• Jake departs Texas about 8:45 Central Daylight time, and arrives in California at 9:50 Pacific Daylight Time. That's definitely still early enough for dinner, since Il Sole is open until 10:30 pm on Sundays, and I think Jake has been known to close a few restaurants.

My conclusion? Jake is one jet-lagged motherfucker. With a lot of frequent flier miles. The NY-TX-CA scenario is completely plausible, especially since all three sightings are well within the known behavior patterns for our darling globetrotter. Which actually kinda bums me out; I was really gunning for my own Jake clone.


Photos: futurepicenter, IHJ.

Oh, brother

Someone at Relativity Media has a terrific sense of humor.

Tobey Maguire, Tobey's wife Jennifer Meyer, and Jake Gyllenhaal pose at the 18th Annual Producers Guild Awards in January

According to this story in Variety, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire may play brothers in an upcoming film to be titled, well, Brothers.

The film, a remake of Susanne Bier's Danish-language war drama, centers on a man (Maguire) who is sent to fight in Afghanistan while his black-sheep brother (Gyllenhaal) cares for his wife and child.

Sigh. Jake's going to be the black sheep. Who could have predicted that?

No, seriously, I hope this one sticks. Not just because it's set to start filming in two months, either. Director Jim Sheridan is responsible for one of my favorite movies, In the Name of the Father.

Still, there is no escaping the irony of putting Jake and Tobey in a film together as brothers. There are still people to this day who think Jake was Spider-Man. My mom used to be one of them. I finally disabused her of that notion, but have as yet failed to get her to pronounce Jake's last name properly. Parents. What can you do?

Back for more random squeeing and celebration later...I still have homework to finish.

Photo: IHJ.

The bookstores are infinite

...and so are never full, except in September.

Homework avoidance always goes better with Jake.


Stephanie, you rock. This scan from the Toronto Star is my favorite shot so far from the series snapped in that hotel room at the TIFF. Naturally, it's the one that isn't available online, except in this form. I'll take what I can get.

One of Jake's frequent comments is that he still doesn't know who he really is. It's starting to sink in that this is a major contributor to my attraction. And that's not necessarily a good thing. It's one more example of my bizarre tendency to appreciate in others everything I loathe in myself. In someone Jake's age, with a beyond successful artistic career, that's an honest, even romantic thing to say. But for a woman of 35, who hasn't managed to get past the mild-to-moderate interest stage in any subject, ever, it feels like a well-deserved condemnation of self, a longer way of saying Me? I'm a loser. At least Jake does something creative that he loves right now. Who am I? There are things that I love, and things I love to do, but there is no one thing that has ever stood out to me as my thing. Instead, I do a job to earn money and pay bills. And I feel my self dying a little every day. Everyone I know, since I was in high school, has been asking me when I'm going to write a novel and get rich. Guess what? Not everyone who can write is a writer. There's just not enough in my head for that life, and it's something I've always known but been unable to explain to others.

So instead, I'm trying to find something that at least makes me feel like I'm using my intellect while I fail to blossom as an artist. That's why I'm back in school, studying computer science. That's why I have homework, which I am avoiding this very moment.

By the way, I am totally not as depressed today as all this sounds. I just watched Hal Dobbs make the most tender, beautiful love to Catherine Llewellyn (yes, again, because that never gets old) and I'm convinced that if I can just find myself a math geek who plays the drums, all of this will be a non-issue.

Besides, how could I be blue when Jake's talking to a director? Noah Baumbach, to be precise. I've been meaning to watch The Squid and the Whale since it's been on cable recently, but never got around to it. I guess now I could consider it research. Fingers crossed.

All photos: IHJ.

Sox watch

Jake's sports tour of the east coast continued yesterday when he attended a Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees baseball game at Fenway Park. I'm hoping more pics will turn up soon, but I don't want to be greedy; I mean, here he is, wearing a hoodie and showing off one elegant hand, right?

If you click forward from Jake's photo to the next two on the Boston.com site, you'll see that Adrian Grenier is reported to have been "filming his documentary project on celebrity and paparazzi while the game was going on." No word yet on whether he included Jake in this footage or spoke with him about it, but I'll keep an eye out.

His continued presence here on my side of the country fits my theory that Jake would hang around until the Filmmakers Symposium screening of Rendition in New Jersey. The first session kicks off this Monday, September 17; I'd say chances are pretty good that Rendition will screen this Monday or Tuesday.
Being the intrepid Gyllenhaalic that I am, I tried to confirm my suspicions with a call to the symposium's hotline number a couple of days ago. Don't worry, I didn't reveal that I was only interested in knowing when Jake Gyllenhaal would be there*--I just asked if there were any schedule established so film buffs on a budget could make an informed choice to purchase either the Monday or Tuesday series pass. Unfortunately, as the nice lady who returned my call explained, the organizers are not really solid on a booking even up to the day it might screen, so any given film could at the last moment be moved up or bumped back between the Monday and the Tuesday venues. She also revealed that out of an average 20 potential participating films and filmmakers, they usually end up featuring about five or six.

I'm not as discouraged by that as I might be if Jake were photographed in Los Angeles yesterday. No, I won't be in New Jersey, but surely someone will, and maybe they'll get a nice juicy Gyllenbabble answer out of Jake for us. I think repeated exposure to Jake's...unique style of expression...may be the reason I'm able to understand him now; as I re-read the interview transcript I posted yesterday, I'm shaking my head and laughing to myself. Hey, I know what he meant. I think. The more I learn about him, the more I feel he's got the same empathic tendency to see a topic from all sides that causes me such ambivalence. I know what it's like, Jake.


*Actually, I would love to attend one of these even if Jake wasn't involved. Don't tell anyone.

Boston.com photo by Steve Silva; U.S. Open photos: IHJ.

Gray matter

This is the stuff I've been waiting for. With each new interview, we never know if Jake will be articulate and intellectual, or full of baffling circular phrases and self-interruptions that suggest confusion or avoidance of a subject. Clearly Jake was at the top of his game when he sat down with CNN's Showbiz Tonight and faced the toughest question with lucid fluidity.

Oddly enough, the transcript for the September 12 show is the only one unavailable on CNN's transcript page as I write this. It's a damn good thing I took the time to transcribe the first part of it myself before I left for work this morning.

Jake: I believe that governments, and I think, presidents, should act as parents to a country, you know? And I think that there are things that that country needs to know, and there are things that it doesn't. But I think that honesty is first and foremost, and I think people know when someone's honest or not, really deeply inside them.

AJ Hammer: So in some ways, it can be justifiable, if the ends are proper?

Jake: Yes. I think that's the debate in the movie. I think that's the extraordinary scene between Peter Sarsgaard and Meryl Streep, when they meet and Peter says, 'You're torturing somebody,' and she says, 'But we're keeping five thousand people alive by torturing one person.' So I think the debate is what it's about, I think the debate is what it's always about. I think that that's what makes, you know, that, you can come to a resolution that way, some interesting resolution, whereas, you know, one person takes a stance, just demands that that's how it goes, and then, like, imposes it on the rest of the world.

Already, his fans have begun to debate whether Jake was saying Yes, I believe in torture or Yes, you've asked what the movie asks. I'm thrilled because it's a far more engaging and important topic to discuss than whom Jake is or isn't sleeping with this week. As an amateur psychologist and sociologist, I'm fascinated by the concessions that some folks have made regarding Jake's comments. Why exactly is it more acceptable to believe that Jake thinks the value of torture is open to debate than that he thinks it may have its place? Doesn't the first imply the second? It seems to be all about the morality we personally wish to ascribe to Jake, and for some people there is enough ambiguity in the first interpretation to make it sound like an expression of neutrality on the subject.

For the record, I believe Jake meant exactly what he said: torture can be justifiable. He did not elaborate on under what circumstances he thinks this true; he wasn't asked to do so.

I've spent the last hour trying to figure out how I feel about this answer, and I keep coming back to a single thought: to say that torture is never justifiable would be as arrogant and unconsidered as it would be to say that it is always justifiable. In that sense, Jake has given the only answer that an intelligent man could give.

As if the contemplation of the validity of torture weren't ugly enough in itself, I found a couple of reactions to Jake's comments that disturbed me even further. Someone suggested that because of his answer, "Jake Gyllenhaal might be cool." (Sadly, this blogger appears to have missed the irony behind Fight Club.) Another strangely complimentary post proclaims "Jake Gyllenhaal Talks Like a Hetero Man." With points of view like these, it's easy to understand why a woman like me has a hard time finding a compatible man. How exactly does an acknowledgment that torture is not a black-and-white issue translate into a social perception of masculinity and heterosexuality? I may just die alone, after all.

Photos: Rendition official website, via IHJ.

Afterglow

So much Jake, so little time. My week has been pretty bad, and while I'm tempted to be bitter that reality chose to interfere with the TIFF/U.S. Open Jakefest, instead I am reminding myself how grateful I am that every time I was significantly bummed out, new pics of Jake were just a click away. I don't even care how silly that sounds. The mere act of viewing his image, in photos taken of him doing the moviestar thing and clearly enjoying himself, brought peace and contentment to me instantly. This is the epitome of Zen Gyllenhaalism. If I could, I would thank Jake for being what he is to me.

Among the wonders that got me this far, the publication of Jake's answers to my questions in Toronto's National Post. The fact that her paper printed what was originally a blog post makes me think Vanessa Farquharson received email from quite a few Gyllenhaalics following her (I suspect facetious, originally) invitation to post questions for Jake in the comments on her blog; she was able to convince someone that this, too, was entertainment news. My favorite appearance of the article is the one they posted in the Ampersand, because it not only includes a lovely photo of Jake, but has been titled "Calling All Gyllenhaalics: Jake Gyllenhaal reveals hatred of cilantro!" Of course, Jake didn't use the word hate, but hey, they found my weird question good enough to attract readers. That rocks.

Okay, enough rambling about that.

If you haven't already, please check out the latest salvo in the Jake in '08 campaign over at Jake Watch. Just make sure you don't have any food or liquid in your mouth before you click.

Also, for those who, like me, were right pissed off when clicking to view the red carpet interview video WDW linked in this post resulted in a lame message that the clip wasn't viewable on Macintosh computers, I dug into the source code and ferreted out the object url. When you click this link, it should open either in your browser or whatever helper application is assigned to handle Windows Media files. I can confirm that it played for me in both Quicktime Player and VLC. Unfortunately, some lazy ass did not bother to edit the clip properly before turning it into a stream--you will first be presented with a couple of minutes of blank screen, followed by a report on healthy snacking, followed at last by Jakey goodness. I was able to skip ahead using the little scrub arrow; your mileage may vary.

CTV red carpet interview with Jake Gyllenhaal

Yes, it's worth all that trouble just to see Jake being the darling man he is. Sorry, my multiple attempts to capture the stream to a video file so I could edit out the garbage all failed. Hopefully this will show up on YouTube or Google Video soon.

All photos: IHJ.

Was it good for you?

(or G-Day, Sept. 7, 2007: The Day the Gyllenhaalics Attacked!)

Congratulations to Kate (WDW) at Wet Dark and Wild and Becky (Prophecy Girl) at Jake Watch on their interactions with the Gyllenhaal yesterday at the Toronto International Film Festival. It was obvious to me from the photos posted by both women that they had indeed met each other there. (PG confirmed this in her JW post.)

Photo by WDW

Photo by Prophecy Girl

Not surprisingly, every Gyllenhaalic has her or his own perspective on Jake and what he means to them. I could sit here and make a table distinguishing our various opinions and beliefs, as I have interpreted them, but my point is that while we all see something wonderful in Jake, no two of us have exactly the same image of the man in our minds. He is someone, something, that is to be experienced uniquely by everyone. I love that about him.

Yes, the past 24 hours have been an orgy of Jakeness, but only in the most superficial way. It's not that I'm complaining about the photographs--who would? But any opportunity to hear from Jake, in his own words, is something I treasure, and so far the only interview available is this one from Entertainment Weekly. There were brief clips of Jake, intercut with Reese, discussing those rumors, but I am still waiting for something more of substance to come out of TIFF. I'm sure there is more on the way; I must be patient.

Meanwhile, these are my favorite random anecdotes and gags from the weekend's madness so far. First, the flight attendant boyfriend of Adrian, a moderator on the Dave Cullen forums, has become a major hero to the 'Lashers simply by telling them what in their hearts they already knew: Jake is a nice, charming young man. Chad said,

he is very handsome man and a lot more tall than I thought he was and he have great smile and he smile all the time. he does not act like other celebrity sometimes do. anyways, that is what I will tell you. he is very nice guy.

Yet another confirmation of Jake's renown goodness comes from a society writer at the Toronto National Post, who just happened to be in the kitchen of Sotto Sotto (Who the hell names their restaurant "below below"? Is it in a basement? Xenia, is there some other meaning here of which my terribly weak, musically-influenced grasp of Italian has not made me aware?) when the sunshine of my life walked in. In addition to his not-so-subtly appreciative description of Jake's appearance ("Deeply V-necked, pleasantly broad-shouldered, and with that paralyzing dopey smile..."), Shinan Govani tells us

Jake, meanwhile, gave us a glimpse of his singularly sportybrainy-emo brand in Hollywood — the kind of chap who can competitive-bike-ride, do crosswords and get teary-eyed via Keats. The night was almost done, and he, polite to the end, thanked everyone and told Mama in particular that he dug her lasagna.

Damn straight he did. Probably with a fork the size of a shovel.

While those who were graced with his shining presence seem unanimous in declaring Jake a walking anachronism of good manners and intellect gentleman, the online shenanigans have continued, including yet another reference to Jake's crotch (Lesbians love Jake, too; why am I not surprised? Featuring such quotable reader comments as "flip you over, eat you like a pudding cup, ass smacking beast")...and this silly parody which I am not at all embarrassed to admit made me laugh.

However, the single most moving thing I've read today was this dream described by jakethesnake at the DC Forum.

He's all playful, and being funny and silly, and I'm trying to hold it together. And then I notice that all the sudden the table is extremely intimate and cozy and Jake has scooted down in his chair and kinda nestled himself NEXT TO MY ARM!! We are touching!! The whole left side of my body is making contact with his whole right side....We remain like that for the entire program, snug as a bug in a rug. I keep stealing glances of his giant blue eyes (the room is dim and there are candles on the table and his eyes are glowing from the candles!) and he's still all giggly and warm and cozy. I can still feel his warmth on my body just thinking about it.

....I think it's kinda a metaphor for what he's really like...he's really warm and genuine and silly and playful.

This, to me, beats any sex dream by a million light years. Because it encapsulates exactly what it is that I, too, feel for Jake; this strange perception of a comfortable companion, someone with whom everything is all right, and safe, and fun. It's powerful stuff. I'm hoping I can have one just like it tonight.

Update:

Naturally, once I gave up looking for news and got busy downloading over 200 new images of Jake, Vanessa Farquharson updated her blog just for us. This woman is now an honorary Gyllenhaalic in my eyes. She asked, and Jake answered (!), no less than three of the questions I suggested on Thursday.

Me: Do you ever read anything about yourself on the Internet?
Jake: (Another pause) “Sometimes people send me funny things … I’ll leave it at that.”

Me: Do you know about the Jake in ‘08 presidential campaign? It was a MySpace page but it got taken down recently.
Jake: “Wow, no, I don’t.”

Me: I hear you’re really into food — how do you feel about cilantro? Some people love it but other people think it tastes like soap.
Jake: “Oh, I really don’t like cilantro! It’s like the only herb I don’t like.”
Me: It’s a very divisive herb.
Jake: “It is.”

As if I need more direct evidence that Jake really was put on this earth for me. Jake, we are meant to be together.

Unfortunately, she still hasn't replied to my inquiry about when her Rendition interview is going to be available. If anyone sees it somewhere, please, give me a shout.


Photos: Jake Watch, Wet Dark and Wild, IHJ, and one from I can't remember where. Don't sue me.

Green, with envy

This morning I've found the blog of a journalist at Toronto's National Post who has tipped readers that she will be interviewing Jake Gyllenhaal on Friday. You all may want to take her up on her offer....

if you have any pressing questions for Jake Gyllenhaal, feel free to post them in the comments section below

I'll be coming up with my best efforts on the drive to work. If anyone leaves Vanessa a comment/question about Jake, please post it here, too, so we can all go back later and see whose questions she used, and which ones Jake actually answers. Won't that be fun?

I'll be back soon. Work calls. Bleh.

***
As I drove, I tried to refine the list of questions that are ever-present in my head, narrowing it to those I think a spunky journalist might really ask him given the chance. I reviewed some questions that I had jotted in my green velvet journal back when my obsession was new, and discovered that most of those rather basic issues had been answered (dogs vs. cats; Mac vs. Windows/PC; etc.--these are essential details that reveal quite a bit about anyone, seriously). Ultimately I only sent Vanessa one of the longtime questions in my list. It's the one about cilantro. I hate cilantro. Here's what I've sent, so far.

Wow...not sure you know what you've opened yourself up to here. ;) I think you'll take care of the basic Rendition questions (What's his opinion on the policy of extraordinary rendition, and has making this movie affected his views on it) so I'm going to suggest questions that we Gyllenhaalics would love to have answered. Number one on that list is:

What is his next project? And when will it begin?


Additionally...

Has he accepted a part in the (now-Broadway) play Farragut North?

Does he ever read anything about himself on the internet?

Did he know that there is a small campaign by Gyllenhaalics to have him elected President in 2008, despite his ineligibility on the grounds of age?

What would he do first if he were elected?

What does he think Robert Downey, Jr. meant when he described Jake as "wet, dark and wild?"

(These are from the Barbara Walters in me, I guess)

What does he believe is his worst vice?

He's a chef. What does he think about cilantro? (there are quite a few people out here to whom it tastes like soap, including me)

Describe his most recent dream.

(And, on the green side)

Why doesn't he bring his own reusable bags when grocery shopping instead of accepting paper or plastic?

What happened to the (two) Camry hybrid(s) he told the GQ interviewer he was going to buy? We never see him in it.

I’ve pointed other Gyllenhaalics here, by the way. Hope you don’t get overwhelmed.

Don't worry, I see someone else has already suggested she ask him about Boo. I personally don't want to push him on that--if I had to give up a companion animal, which might be what happened, I would rather not be reminded of it. Many years ago my family was forced to find new homes for two cats, and I have never stopped thinking about them.

Anyway, I do hope you all will take advantage of this woman's (probably already regretted) generous suggestion. Even if she doesn't ask him any of our specific questions, hopefully she will at least read them, and thus go into the interview knowing enough about Jake to make her a worthy questioner.

Photos: IHJ.

Jake's back!

And I'm so fucking happy to see him that I don't even care about the watermarks. This is insane. I need (different) medication.

Okay, the truth is, I don't like getting photos from Just Jared, because it is essentially a celebrity gossip site, albeit a relatively restrained one when it comes to Jake. No offense to you, Jared; I just don't dig gossip, particularly about celebrities because most of them mean absolutely less than nothing to me.

Except Jake.

Do I wish to reward the behavior of the paparazzi that followed a man out of a private appointment, or the site that gives us a little more info about his location than was really necessary, by writing this post? Hell, no. All the same, right now I feel like giving Jared a big sloppy kiss for bringing Jake back to me.

Updated 9/6/07 10:59 AM:


Damn. No wonder he stayed in the Vineyard for so long. Apparently, Jake was papped yet again on Tuesday evening, leaving dinner at a restaurant. More pics at Just Jared. One reason I feel icky visiting JJ is demonstrated by his comments on that post. He mentions the opening of Rendition, but he's got the old release date of October 12. It's not a felony to have outdated information, but it is symptomatic of the problem: gossip sites are not reliable sources of information. They are, however, pretty damn good sources of eye candy, and Jake looked even better on Tuesday night than he did that afternoon, if that's possible. His hair is perfect, his beard is perfect, his fingers...guh. Welcome home, baby!

Photos: Just Jared.

Desperation grows

Not sure I can take much more of this waiting. True, I have every movie Jake's made since he was 17 on DVD to watch over and over again, not to mention all those interviews from February on the DVR. But damn, Jake, I'm missing you. Hearing that he and Reese had apparently canceled all one-on-one interviews at TIFF did not improve this situation, though I am willing to believe that it was done for good reason.

This, on the other hand, defies reason. It's one of the handful of inane hit results returned when I search these days for news of Jake's status. This is what a Jakeless summer has reduced us to. This, and Maggie in expensive S&M undies (looking sexy as hell, but not, alas, her brother), and unconfirmed stories regarding relationships of former costars (to which I refuse to link and whom are also not Jake).

Darling, please, come up for air soon, okay?

While I'm hoping to find out what the hell Jake's doing now, I find it interesting in a sociological kind of way to observe what sort of information others are seeking about him.

Lycos's search results page offers:

Narrow Your Search
Jake Gyllenhaal Wallpaper
Biography and Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal Interviews
Fan Club for Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal Married
Jake Gyllenhaal Facts
How Tall Is Jake Gyllenhaal
The Actor Jake Gyllenhaal
Does Jake Gyllenhaal Have a Girlfriend
Is Jake Gyllenhaal Gay

and behind their "More »" link...

Where Does Jake Gyllenhaal Live [stalker or newbie paparazzo? you decide]
Who Is Jake Gyllenhaal Dating [this matters why, exactly?]
Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal Related
Jake Gyllenhaal Body
Jake Gyllenhaal Filmography
Jake Gyllenhaal Backgrounds
Jake Gyllenhaal No Clothes [apparently the word "nude" escapes the typical Lycos searcher]
Is Jake Gyllenhaal Single
Jake Gyllenhaal Favorite Color [nice to know Jake still has 13-year-old fans, too]
Jake Gyllenhaal Desktop Wallpaper
Jake Gyllenhaal Wallpaper 2003
Jake Gyllenhaal Posters
How Much Does Jake Gyllenhaal Weigh [planning on carrying him away to your secret hideout, perhaps?]
Jake Gyllenhaal Buddy Icons
Jake Gyllenhaal Birthday
Kirsten Dunst Boyfriend

I really need to stay away from the web searches for a while. It's all very depressing.

All photos: IHJ.

In the stars

What better to do on a rainy, dismal day than stretch out on my bed and watch Zodiac again?

Okay, there are many other things I should be doing, but none are anywhere near as enjoyable. Jake's eyelashes should have received separate billing in this film. And so far, I think only Ang Lee equals David Fincher for masterful use of those big blue eyes in telling a story. Thank you, Mr. Fincher, for at least half a dozen underlit shots of Jake in profile talking on a phone. Yummy.

For anyone out there who does not have a selection of Jake's movies on DVD to wile away the time, here's another option. Top Synergy is a website that offers what they call "relationship analysis" based on astrology, and users can obtain free analysis reports matching themselves with one of a fair selection of celebrities, including Jake Gyllenhaal. Several months back, I was led there by a friend to see what my match with Jake would look like.

Before I show you the result, I must issue this disclaimer: I don't really believe in astrology. Those who do, please don't be offended by my dismissal of this information as purely entertainment, not a guide for life choices.

Here is what Top Synergy had to tell me about my potential with Jake.

Click the graphic to go to my stored results page at Top Synergy

If you read the explanation provided by Top Synergy, you'll notice that relationship types highlighted in purple are supposed to indicate a probable good match. And if you look at my Personal Relationships chart, you'll notice the whole damn thing is purple. This tickles me no end.

Should anyone wish to recreate my results, because you disbelieve me or just want to know what my match with someone else would look like, here are my details:

gender: female
birth date: Jan 14 1972
birth time: 03:48
country: United States
state: Florida
city: Lauderhill

Naturally, to inject a smidge of science into the game, I have compared myself to two of my previous celebrity crushes (neither of which was quite like what I feel about Jake). My match with Ewan McGregor is somewhat disappointing, I must say.



With David Duchovny, I fared much better.



It has not escaped me that in the Passion subset, every one of these matches indicates the man would have a "dominant" or greater passion for me, and that all but Duchovny have a greater passion for me than I do them. This has something to do with my chart, which apparently indicates I am some type of sex magnet. If you knew how funny that idea is to me, you'd understand exactly why I say that I do not believe in astrology. I do consider myself highly sexed, but so far it has not brought me great success in attracting partners. The thing is full of contradictions, but then again, so am I. However, on the whole, I'd say it's more inaccurate than accurate. I'll leave it to those interested to figure out why.

If you match yourself up with Jake, you can share your results in the comments.

Oh, and an apology to the two readers who had voted in the new poll before I recreated it. I somehow had managed to leave Jimmy Livingston off the list. Blasphemy! Bubble Boy is definitely among my top four of Jake's movies. Please vote again. I already put in my vote for Harold "how embarrassing is it if I say last night was wonderful?" Dobbs.

Zodiac captures: IHJ.