The $20,000 man

Congratulations of a sort are in order for royandronnie, who last night committed to shell out twenty thousand dollars for the privilege of spending an afternoon with Jake Gyllenhaal. Things started heating up just before 3 pm yesterday, with the competing bids of rammzoo, who apparently couldn't quite swing ten grand. That's when jiblumen stepped in and gave royandronnie a real run for her money, literally. Bidding trickled over into the final ten minutes of the auction, pushing the close time back by ten minutes per bid, though when I refreshed the page it looked more like a total of fifteen to me.

There's some confusion in the fandom over the ultimate outcome of last year's auction, no one able to remember hearing any account of the actual "date" with Jake. I'll be keeping an eye out for different results this time around. Check out the bid history for yourself. Marvel at the deep pockets of fanfic writers. Contemplate a change of career. Prepare for the coming apocalypse.

That is, for me, a serious amount of money. As Jake's price climbed, I began to imagine what I could do if I had that much disposable cash to my name. Here's a brief list of

Things I could do with $20,000

• Pay off the balance on my auto loan, twice


• Pre-order 635 copies of the Zodiac 2-disc Director's Cut


• Buy 200 pairs of Nike sneakers


• Fly to New Mexico today for the Brothers open casting call, and stay through the end of the shoot

Believe me, I'm not saying that even one hour with Jake wouldn't be worth twenty grand. I'd give the ACLU a million dollars just to spend ten minutes with him, if I could afford it. And that's what it all comes down to: relative value. One's definition of afford, as well. The inherent evil of an auction like this is that it's so easy for someone who can't really afford it to justify going into debt to fund what will certainly be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Especially someone susceptible to fandom to begin with, and in particular the appreciation of a man whose appeal has surprisingly little to do with his outer beauty. We're even more presupposed to emotionally-driven choices, by our nature. While it's not up to the ACLU to stop someone from behaving irrationally or irresponsibly, it's ethically questionable at best to bait us with the promise of something we could never otherwise have.

By extension, I guess that means Jake should take some of the responsibility for what might happen. I don't have access to his bank balances, but I'm thinking $20,000 is not such a big deal to him. True, by offering his time instead of just handing that much over to the ACLU himself, he has given one or two fans the chance to fulfill a dream. He's probably not even aware of how insane he makes people; he's not an idiot but he doesn't really know how bad it is. Or maybe, maybe he figures that anyone foolish enough to go beyond their means for something like this deserves everything that comes with that choice, good and bad. We'll probably never know.

Photos: IHJ, and I don't know where.

Screwed

I'm trying to remain positive about this. (Being positive about anything at this hour when my mood has not yet risen to a completely functional elevation is daunting, so hopefully you'll understand if I fail to sound enthusiastic.) There's more news this morning, courtesy of the Hollywood Reporter, about that mysterious project Variety mentioned the other day. According to them, both Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel are "attached" to Nailed, a "risque political satire" to be directed by David O. Russell.

Risque political satire.

That sounds refreshing, actually. Except the political part. I love Jake's selectivity and principled choices, but he's already being pigeonholed by some critics as too political. Anyway, that's not the point. The point I was gonna make has to do with HR's description of the plot.

Biel would play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward small-town receptionist who has a nail accidentally shot into her head by a clumsy workman, eliciting wild sexual urges.

The uninsured Joyce goes on a crusade to Washington to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured. She meets an immoral congressman (Gyllenhaal) who takes advantage of her sex drive and capitalizes on her crusade as Joyce heads into her own career in politics.

Ugh.

For those who are wondering why I'm not on my knees thanking god or whatever powers responsible that Jake is guaranteed to have a sex scene if this movie happens, please allow me to explain. No, actually, I think this Cinema Blend post effectively demonstrates it well enough. I'm not saying I make the same assumption that Josh Tyler has, only that his take is completely reasonable and probably not unique.

But I said I was trying to be positive, so here goes. First, Jake's potential role sounds smarmy and somewhat villainous, which would be absolutely delicious. Second, yeah, the probable (I hate to jinx it by saying inevitable) sex scene(s). Yes, I really did mean to put that second. Because as much as I fantasize about Jake and would love to be helped along by some new material, the context does matter to me. And third, satire. That's even better than a romcom, if you ask me, as long as it's well-written and directed. So, my intrigue at the floated title has grown into guarded optimism that the project will not be dismissed by critics based on its synopsis and will actually become something keen and titillating at the same time.

That is, if it happens at all. I don't know what the rules are in Hollywood. What needs to transpire before someone can say an actor is "attached" to his or her project, anyway? A phone call to someone's agent to see if they're interested? A pie-in-the-sky wish? HR clearly states that no contracts exist, yet.

Meanwhile, there's confusion about whether Brothers has already begun filming, like, last week, or today, or when. IMDb still says principal photography begins on November 27, while posters to the site's message board say trailers for the actors are already setup onsite at the College of Santa Fe in New Mexico. That Jake suddenly shaved off the beard he's been telling everyone was grown specifically for this movie has certainly added to the confusion. My friends know I always thought the beard was premature anyway, probably half for some kind of Brothers pre-production and half for the orneriness of keeping it when everyone seemed to be complaining. Whether the beard was only needed for scenes that have already been filmed, will reappear soon, or was never meant for the movie to begin with (maybe he just said that to stop people from asking about it), it's nice to have something vitally important to debate again.

Laundry list

I never imagined I could be so at home in a completely new place as I was this past weekend with my beloved friend, Charlene. She made me feel welcome, in her home and in her town, and it was the most I've relaxed in a good many years. Thank you, my separated-at-birth other sister, for the vacation I so desperately needed.

Charlene, me, and Powder

From the moment Charlene approached me at the airport, and I burst into tears, I knew the trip was more than worth the effort. It wasn't the last time I wept on her, either, poor woman. Such relief at finally meeting my friend was not something I had expected, but I'm an emotional basket case anyway. Together we laughed, we cried, we squeeed. It was everything I wanted it to be.

Naturally, while I've been escaping from my escapism, events have continued to unfold in Jakedom. He's very inconsiderate sometimes.

Okay, I admit: the foremost development on this front isn't of Jake's doing. Jake Watch have officially announced their impending departure from the blogosphere. And this I had to read while in a hotel lobby, because contrary to what the hotel's online profile stated, there was not, in fact, wireless internet in every room. So there I sat, leaking from the eyes and sucking back snot as I read the kind well-wishings of JW loyalists whose names hadn't been seen around in many months. Jake Watch has been more than a destination; it is an institution, one that Jake and his "people" would have done well to appreciate while they had the chance. But hey, britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl weren't doing it for Jake, they were doing it for themselves and us. Nothing good lasts forever. I salute them.

Someone at San Francisco online alternative zine BeyondChron managed to echo all the frustration that has followed me since the first mainstream Rendition reviews appeared. Marc Norton, a hotel bellman by profession, writes

[T]hat is the point of this movie -- to make you think. That is exactly what all the luke-warm and negative reviewers don't want to do, and don't want you to do.

Yes, I said I felt somewhat unsatisfied by the film myself, but I can now confirm, having seen it a third time, that it does indeed get better with every viewing. It probably should embarrass me to confess this, but I still get a chill every time Isabella El-Ibrahimi shrieks at Corrine Whitman to just tell her that her husband is okay. True, some people get a similar chill when they hear fingernails scraped down a chalkboard, but the moment works for me, and I didn't think it would. Anyway, even if you skip Norton's review, please check out his link to an article from the New York Times about a real-life "war on terror" whistleblower whose efforts prove that perhaps Douglas Freeman's actions were not so far-fetched after all.

Let's see, then we had Jake and Reese attending a Halloween party in the most pathetic non-costumes imaginable. These are people with money. The lack of any effort on their part strongly suggests that either the invitation or the choice to attend came at the last second. That's always the way I want my party guests to be represented to the public at large. Hooray for Hollywood.

What else? Jake's getting down to work on Brothers, and now there's a whisper from Variety linking him to something called Nailed that would also star Jessica Biel. That title connotes such potential, I'm afraid to scoff. It's almost a wet dream unto itself.

Oh, then my internet provider irritated the hell out of me by failing to pick up the new DNS record for IHeartJakeMedia following their domain expiration a few days ago. I'm way behind on downloading Jake images, and that didn't help matters. Things are finally in place as they should be, but it will take me a whole weekend to catch up.

Jake hung out with Robert Downey, Jr. one night. Then he and Reese got video papped on a beach somewhere. Reese appears at one point to be picking something from Jake's teeth. Very romantic. In the past, such intrusive video would have set off my fiercest protective instinct, but the fact that they've probably been together for several months and managed to avoid such paparazzi run-ins for as long as suited their needs leaves me feeling somewhat less sympathetic. And I hate that I feel that way.

I want to continue to love Jake in the way I always have. More than want, I need it; it's something to occupy a dangerously obsessive mind, one that will turn to far less benign thoughts in the absence of this diversion. Most of all, I don't want to come here sounding like a bitter rejected fifteen-year-old, and I'm afraid that's exactly how I sound.


I can't swear off Jake right now. I fear it would literally kill me. Especially when photos like this one make my heart ache.

Photos: Peggy Mitchell, IHJ.

Resume attached

I have a proposition for Jake Gyllenhaal.

No, not that one. Though of course it still stands.

You see, it looks as though, predictably enough, the new film Brothers, which will probably star Jake along with Tobey Maguire, is going to be filmed on location. In other words, somewhere other than Los Angeles. The Boston Herald is reporting that David Benioff, the screenwriter for the American version of Brothers, said the producers are currently debating between locations in Boston, Massachusetts, and somewhere in New Mexico.

"I was just talking about where we’re going to shoot the movie and Massachusetts is one of the possibilties," he said. "The other possible place is New Mexico. But everyone would rather come to Boston than New Mexico. Sorry, New Mexico."

Yeah, sorry, New Mexico. You already had more than your fair share of Jake when he shot Brokeback Mountain and Jarhead. Apart from the occasional random Red Sox game, Jake hasn't been in Massachusetts since he spent the entire freakin' summer there this year.

Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh, right.

Has anyone seen Jake out with Atticus lately? I suppose it's possible that Jake had him along on the Vineyard, but somehow I doubt it. There's at least one place in Los Angeles that claims Atticus as a client (I just wasted about an hour searching for the very recent reference, and only found this one from 2006) for doggy day care or boarding. The point I'm getting at is, every time Jake runs off to shoot a movie, or promote one, or (heaven forbid!) takes a vacation, poor Atticus gets the shaft. He ought to be pampered in his own home, damn it. He needs play dates with other pooches, and some time at the dog park, too, but that can be arranged.

Atticus needs a live-in dog nanny, and I am officially offering myself for consideration. The position is ideal for me, as I have extensive house-plus-dog-sitting experience, and am looking to relocate to the Los Angeles area next year anyway. It would take care of my housing and employment in one fell swoop. I probably wouldn't ever see Jake, since he's never home, but if I did, that would be a fringe benefit beyond any lame health insurance and 401k.

I'm a longtime animal lover, immediately accepted by every companion animal I've ever encountered and favored by a few whose affection toward me even baffled their adoptive people. My salary requirements are minimal, as I won't have a rent bill to cover, and in addition to animal care I can provide other personal services as needed. I'm excellent at rebuffing telemarketers and other nuisance callers, and have no objection to brewing coffee or touching Jake's dirty underwear doing laundry when Jake is home. I am willing to be bonded. Or bound. Whatever.

Jake, if you read this, give me a call. I know Atticus will thank you for it.


All photos: IHJ.

Oh, brother

Someone at Relativity Media has a terrific sense of humor.

Tobey Maguire, Tobey's wife Jennifer Meyer, and Jake Gyllenhaal pose at the 18th Annual Producers Guild Awards in January

According to this story in Variety, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire may play brothers in an upcoming film to be titled, well, Brothers.

The film, a remake of Susanne Bier's Danish-language war drama, centers on a man (Maguire) who is sent to fight in Afghanistan while his black-sheep brother (Gyllenhaal) cares for his wife and child.

Sigh. Jake's going to be the black sheep. Who could have predicted that?

No, seriously, I hope this one sticks. Not just because it's set to start filming in two months, either. Director Jim Sheridan is responsible for one of my favorite movies, In the Name of the Father.

Still, there is no escaping the irony of putting Jake and Tobey in a film together as brothers. There are still people to this day who think Jake was Spider-Man. My mom used to be one of them. I finally disabused her of that notion, but have as yet failed to get her to pronounce Jake's last name properly. Parents. What can you do?

Back for more random squeeing and celebration later...I still have homework to finish.

Photo: IHJ.