Impenetrable mysteries of the Gyllenverse, part II

This past weekend, my dear mother and her sewing machine rescued me from an ongoing nightmare that, while trivial, drove me to the edge of sanity. As in most cases when I'm riled about something, I wrote about it. Observe:


How do you do it?

I speak not of your universally acknowledged acting talent, nor your apparently limitless athletic prowess, nor even your well-documented yet mysterious culinary achievements.Jake Gyllenhaal's backside, with boxers today

I'm talking about your pants.

You know, the article of clothing that most men wear on their hips, just below the waist? Not you. Yours are somewhere between just off the hip and hanging on to ass for dear life. How can you stand it?

I ask this because for the past few weeks, I've been experiencing this unorthodox manner of attire against my will.

This was not an attempt to live as you do and somehow gain a deeper understanding of your motives and passions. I just can't afford to buy new clothes, and my pants are all getting rather large for me. Yesterday, though--that was the worst. Every time I stood up, my crotch was halfway to my knees.

What? You didn't realize this was about Jake? You'll soon learn: everything with me is eventually about Jake. I prefer it that way.

Anyway, the proximity of Jake's waistband to his hips is a favorite subject of mine. He's been showing us his boxers and briefs for years, in photo shoots and on the street. On any other man, I would find this irritating, but on Jake, it's somehow oddly charming. Of course I have developed my own theories about it. I don't believe it's a fashion thing.Jake and Atticus and Jake's butt crack These pants are not low enough to qualify for hip-hop hideous. Well, except maybe here. Besides, hasn't that lunacy more or less run its course?

My suspicion, based on personal experience, is that there's a design/fit issue involved. In my case, it's the fact that clothing manufacturers appear to be unaware that some women have an ass as well as a waist. Every pair of pants I try on that fits my hips and thighs invariably bags away from my waist by at least 3 inches, sometimes much more. Yes, I know my ass is huge. But why must that also mean that I have no waist? Idiots.

So, if women's pants can be so drastically out of sync with common female proportions, what's to say men don't suffer the same fate? Look, if you will (such a chore!), at Jake's thighs.

Jake in spandex. Need I say more?These are not skinny, spindly stick-legs. They're not even average, not-too-thin-but-hardly-big thighs. These are impressive, well-muscled powerhouses, built and maintained by constant athleticism. Not body-builder huge, but big. Now, look at his hips and ass. Go on, it's okay, I'll wait.

Jake's perfect backside, post surfing, in MalibuSlim hips. Don't make me describe the rest or I'll completely lose my focus; let's just say it's about as close to perfect as any ever was.

Tell me, men--do you find that the thighs of most jeans and slacks are narrowly cut? Because if that's the case, what's a man like Jake to do? Buy bigger pants, of course. Especially if he wants a bit of, well, dangle room.

All photos: IHJ.


Xenia said...

Wow...I'm impressed...you're way more obsessive than I am Cherita and that, believe me, means something...
all that meticulous classyfying Jake's underwear is a top notch job!
And you gave me the time of my life making me go clicking here and there to find out what kind of boxer or briefs he wore to make you do some post about it...

BTW, I don't know why he keeps wearing his pants so low on his hips, the only thing I know is that he likes teasing us, giving us a glimpse of what we could see and eventually touch if he was on reach...

Cherita said...

Dearest Xenia, I am way more obsessive than anyone when it comes to Jake. But you're right up there, I've noticed. ;) I agree, Jake is a first-rate tease, and that has a lot to do with those tantalizing photo sessions with the yanking of clothing and the exposure of underwear and the unequivocally dirty grins. Sometimes I wonder if he'd be able to defend himself from the legions of women and men who have spent untold hours looking at those pictures, were we ever to have our chance at him.