Screwed

I'm trying to remain positive about this. (Being positive about anything at this hour when my mood has not yet risen to a completely functional elevation is daunting, so hopefully you'll understand if I fail to sound enthusiastic.) There's more news this morning, courtesy of the Hollywood Reporter, about that mysterious project Variety mentioned the other day. According to them, both Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel are "attached" to Nailed, a "risque political satire" to be directed by David O. Russell.

Risque political satire.

That sounds refreshing, actually. Except the political part. I love Jake's selectivity and principled choices, but he's already being pigeonholed by some critics as too political. Anyway, that's not the point. The point I was gonna make has to do with HR's description of the plot.

Biel would play Sammy Joyce, a socially awkward small-town receptionist who has a nail accidentally shot into her head by a clumsy workman, eliciting wild sexual urges.

The uninsured Joyce goes on a crusade to Washington to fight for the rights of the bizarrely injured. She meets an immoral congressman (Gyllenhaal) who takes advantage of her sex drive and capitalizes on her crusade as Joyce heads into her own career in politics.

Ugh.

For those who are wondering why I'm not on my knees thanking god or whatever powers responsible that Jake is guaranteed to have a sex scene if this movie happens, please allow me to explain. No, actually, I think this Cinema Blend post effectively demonstrates it well enough. I'm not saying I make the same assumption that Josh Tyler has, only that his take is completely reasonable and probably not unique.

But I said I was trying to be positive, so here goes. First, Jake's potential role sounds smarmy and somewhat villainous, which would be absolutely delicious. Second, yeah, the probable (I hate to jinx it by saying inevitable) sex scene(s). Yes, I really did mean to put that second. Because as much as I fantasize about Jake and would love to be helped along by some new material, the context does matter to me. And third, satire. That's even better than a romcom, if you ask me, as long as it's well-written and directed. So, my intrigue at the floated title has grown into guarded optimism that the project will not be dismissed by critics based on its synopsis and will actually become something keen and titillating at the same time.

That is, if it happens at all. I don't know what the rules are in Hollywood. What needs to transpire before someone can say an actor is "attached" to his or her project, anyway? A phone call to someone's agent to see if they're interested? A pie-in-the-sky wish? HR clearly states that no contracts exist, yet.

Meanwhile, there's confusion about whether Brothers has already begun filming, like, last week, or today, or when. IMDb still says principal photography begins on November 27, while posters to the site's message board say trailers for the actors are already setup onsite at the College of Santa Fe in New Mexico. That Jake suddenly shaved off the beard he's been telling everyone was grown specifically for this movie has certainly added to the confusion. My friends know I always thought the beard was premature anyway, probably half for some kind of Brothers pre-production and half for the orneriness of keeping it when everyone seemed to be complaining. Whether the beard was only needed for scenes that have already been filmed, will reappear soon, or was never meant for the movie to begin with (maybe he just said that to stop people from asking about it), it's nice to have something vitally important to debate again.

Conan O'Brien saves the world

Okay, not really. But he did give us the absolute best, most delightfully bizarre moments with Jake so far this week. He's also the first one to even mention Zodiac among Jake's past work. Just about everything that was missing from all the prior interviews was here, starting with a change of clothes for Jake. Whether this was arbitrary or the result of some misfortune befalling the pinstriped suit, we can't say.

Conan cited the Jake Gyllenhaal beard effect, which induced Jake to talk about how he smells. This is very dangerous territory, and once again I wonder if Jake knows what he's doing to some of us when he says these things.

Having (more subtly than on his last visit) trashed his father's judgment on Letterman, it was someone else's turn to be embarrassed by Jake on national television: his friend, the devoted Red Sox fan. Gyllenhaalics can pretty well guess who that is, and being able to picture him as Jake tells the story makes it that much funnier. I always prefer that Jake humiliate himself rather than a loved one when giving interviews, but in this case a little payback for some truly eye-catching behavior was probably in order, so I'm with him here. Plus he's just so damn adorable in telling it; it's Jake's recreation that everyone will see and make fun of, and he knows that.

Conan also managed to ask Jake a somewhat personal question that wasn't invasive. I hope other tv hosts around America were taking notes. Jake said yes, he went a little crazy being between jobs for several months, and then gave us the musical tie-in that we should have had on Letterman with 50 Cent by singing a bit of Gnarls Barkley. Which he parlayed into a Gnarls Barkley duet with Conan. I love this man.

Um, Jake, that is, though Conan has definitely won me over in his own right.

So, will Jon Stewart ask Jake any of the questions sent in by fans? Honestly, it would be more than I hope for. This week's schedule is so full of Jakey goodness it has made the home stretch to Rendition's opening fly by, and the promise of another red carpet appearance (Roma Film Fest) immediately following means my adrenaline--and my pheremones--will be pumping for a while to come.

Rendering truth

Meredith Viera: Brokeback Mountain, did you have any idea when you were making that, what you were sitting on? ...So to speak, I probably shouldn't use that term, actually I apologize...

Jake: Very well put, Meredith.

Well, that was worth waking up for.

So let's recap the promotional tour so far:

Jonathan Ross awkwardly focuses the majority of his interview on Brokeback Mountain and Jake artfully dodges the environmental issue by declaring he swims everywhere. Ross then ratchets the awkwardness up another couple notches by commenting appreciatively about Jake's naked stomach.

Jake tells David Letterman that a shitfaced, belligerent woman in London went from an object of hate to love when she called him Jake Gooberballs. Dave asks the tired old question about growing up in a showbiz family and we are all rewarded with another story demonstrating that Stephen Gyllenhaal is an absent-minded dork. I picture Naomi with her head in her hands listening to this.

The Today interview goes from intense, focused intellectual discussion about Rendition and Jake's (very well articulated, I thought) motivations in choosing roles to embarrassed twitters as Meredith Viera puts her fumbling foot quite neatly in her mouth while yet again bringing up a movie Jake made two years ago. Jake handles it so gracefully I want to kiss him. I'm kidding no one here, I always want to kiss him.

And now, Kelly Ripa thinks the beard is a nice one. Kelly apparently doesn't notice the patchiness that I see, or that gray spot that Jake himself has just acknowledged. Regis Philbin interrogates Jake about his social life like an overprotective mother. Jake struggles to remain polite while avoiding answering questions that are no one's damn business and still comes off charming. Kelly at least manages to ask a decent question about photo shoots, and Jake uses the word fraud regarding those Interview images. I swear I've heard that before.

More on all this later. I'm going back to bed for a few hours.

All photos: IHJ.

Fly-by

That warm breeze you Brits felt a bit ago was Jake Gyllenhaal as he redefined whirlwind with his sudden departure from London after less than a day's stay. Once again, I am kept in a state of mild bewilderment as I try to imagine what on earth it was in those two bags and the oblong container that Jake just had to have with him for his brief visit. Obviously it was not a fresh outfit for today's flight home.

Also, I don't know if it was the stress of his schedule, something he ate in London, or exposure to that Jordan character, but the dear boy has broken out overnight. Even Jake's pimples are more attractive than those of mere mortals. If you haven't already caught up, Wet Dark and Wild has graciously provided video of Jake's ordeal on Jonathan Ross yesterday. She's just added the green room footage, which I haven't seen yet but plan to appreciate when I get home tonight.

***

Okay, as I was saying before I was rushed out the door, I've also managed to get hold of the Entertainmentstudios.com bit that TVGuide promised would show on 10/6. It didn't, of course. Being the tenacious Gyllenhaalic that I am, I wasn't going to give up so easily, and I set a series recording on my DVR. The damn thing finally happened at 4 am Saturday, so it's been uploaded. Not a big interview, but it's Jake talking about Douglas Freeman. Hell, it's Jake, and that's enough. We are so easy. Big thanks to Stephanie from IHJ for letting me know that the first upload somehow got clipped short! All better now.


All photos: IHJ.

Sensory overload

Every single day, I tell myself I'm going to stop spending so much damn time on Jake, and every single day, I fail. Last night while I managed to catch up on House, MD (with that Rendition spot again, yay!) and Dexter, Jake Gyllenhaal was at a premiere for Rendition in Beverly Hills. As you can see, the beard lives. In fact, the beard is once again taking on a life of its own. I love you, you rebellious, furry man. Over 100 new photos up at IHJ.

Steph's also got us some caps from the HBO First Look: Rendition that aired last night. I attempted to transfer the show from my DVR, but the resulting file had audio, no video. Possibly a copy protection issue because it's a pay channel. I was too damn tired to figure out another way last night, and by the time I get around to it, I'm sure someone will have made it available elsewhere. For all I know, they already have. (Update: Silly me, of course they have. IHJ took care of you. Get it here.)

How will I survive Rendition Week if Jake keeps popping up at random in addition to all that's scheduled? As it is, most of my day is spent in contemplation of my goals and needs as inspired by Jake. There are not enough hours in a day, not enough time in the week to get a handle on what it is my brain is trying to tell me. Do I want to take a whack at being a writer? Or am I willing to keep working some job or other and just hope that my interests can be satisfied outside the nine-to-five routine? As it stands, my current job has become nothing more than a nuisance I endure to receive pay. That's pretty bad, and I'm not happy about it. But with Jake scrambling my brain, I'm having a hard time understanding what I do want. All I'm clear on is wanting him.

All photos: IHJ. Nod for post title to BirdGirl.

Whiskery wonder

Wow, that was quick. When I mentioned the other day that I'd like a transcript of the Los Angeles Rendition press conference, I didn't think I would get it. This seems to be a new trend for me. Perhaps I should causually comment that it would be wonderful if Jake Gyllenhaal showed up on my doorstep and asked me to marry him, but it's unlikely. We'll see if that one pans out.

Here, courtesy of the always helpful Wet Dark and Wild, is a transcript of all the discussion which wasn't spoiler-y in nature. For those who don't mind being spoiled, download and listen to the recording of the entire press conference, via Frosty at Collider.

Want pictures with that? Stephanie at IHJ took care of those, too.

More here. Could he be any more beautiful? Okay, so my random guess about when he would shave totally missed, but I don't care. At least he's keeping it trimmed for public appearances. Maybe he wants to look older. Maybe he wants to look less attractive (judging by the reactions of some people, it's working--but not for me). Maybe he thinks it disguises him a little. Maybe he just damn well doesn't feel like shaving it off yet. I'd have guessed he was keeping it for the purpose of his Iran So Far cameo, but he still had it as of Tuesday, when this picture was snapped.

Still waiting for Steph to get her hot little hands on the set, but I know she will in time. Anyway, Jake's beard does not bother me. I'll take him any way he comes.

All photos: IHJ, except that little pap shot.

Morning glow

With thanks to Stephanie at IHJ, who apparently never sleeps, we have two new delights this morning before I've even brushed my teeth. First, go look at the website of Interview Magazine. They've just made available the photos from David Fincher's interview with Jake Gyllenhaal, and even a sound file with a few minutes of the recorded interview. When I said I'd like to see clean digital versions of these images, I didn't know Interview would be so obliging. They do look much better this way, as far as color and quality. They're still silly, but who cares?

I haven't read the interview online (I won't say where because I don't want to get anyone into trouble), but I certainly appreciate it being there, as it means I may not have to buy the magazine after all. Yes, you heard me right. I don't make a habit anymore of buying magazines just because someone is in them. Been there, done that, cleaned up the fire hazard, all those years ago.

In addition to the Interview treat, we've got this exciting new photographic evidence that Jake valet parks to buy coffee.

In truth, I hope he dined at the restaurant before leaving with his cup o' joe-to-go. Something about having to valet park just for takeout strikes me as really depressing. Of course, no one forced Jake to buy overpriced pre-brewed coffee in a swanky paper cup. Maybe he's so used to this lifestyle that he doesn't even see how ridiculous it is.

All photos: IHJ.

Mirror

So many times, you have said
You don't yet know who you are
And those who know you speak of a sadness unexplained

Perhaps to hear too many kind words
Can be as destructive as hearing none
Do you search your mirror for this perfect creation,
A god among men,
Fantasy of thousands and inspiration of many?
What do you see?

How could anyone live up to all that has been,
And will be,
Ascribed to you?
You are but a man, in flesh and blood;
The beauty of that flesh is incidental

While you are still quite young
With long years ahead in which you may learn by your successes
And failures
I hope that you can hear the words of your father
And realize that your value lies not
In the mirror's reflection
But in the man that stands before it

You are as unique as the rest of us
As deserving of joy
And as entitled to pain
In whatever shapes they may come
And whether handled with grace
Or fumbled
The photographs will be examined, collected, and dissected
And the end result will be the same, no matter
Because only you know your heart
And only you are fit to judge your actions

My wish for you is that you might see
All these things, ideas of you, even those you find impossible
Not as some script that you must follow
But as the reflection of all that you are,
Viewed through the eyes of so many individuals,
Each with our own dreams and needs
For it is not necessary that you struggle to embody all that others
Project upon you
When finally you understand that you are simply our mirror

If you have done what in your heart you know to be right,
Then you have done all you need do
And if you have pleased yourself,
Then you have satisfied the only one you must satisfy

There will always be millions of strangers
Who know your name
And none of them will ever know
What it is to walk around in your skin

Wonder no more who you are
--you are not one thing,
One definition to the exclusion of all others
But know that you are, whatever else,
Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal,
Human being


(previously posted to the JW forums, 3/26/07)

I've been thinking a lot about this piece again lately, thanks to all the garbage that I have to slog through each time I look for valid news of Jake. Don't ask me why those things bother me; I don't believe Jake is exposed to any of it, and even if he were, I doubt he's insecure enough that it would make a difference. Maybe it's a form of guilt for being part of the problem.

As a poem, it is seriously flawed, but the feeling is right. Consider it the literary version of wrapping Jake in my arms, holding him, and telling him he's loved. He doesn't need me to do that, but if he ever did, I'd be available at a moment's notice.

Photos: IHJ.

Hey there, handsome

Everyone's excited over the photos of Jake included with the October issue of Interview magazine. I actually prefer this one, reported to have been taken yesterday in Hollywood, because it's natural. Hell, it's beautiful. More at JJ. Lady, why the scowl? Jake's smiling. You'd better believe if it were part of my job to be walking around talking to and dining with Jake Gyllenhaal, I'd be grinning from ear to ear the entire time. She ought to trade jobs with me. I wonder how she'd do dealing with arcane public policies, employees that refuse to complete paperwork correctly, and callers who can't enunciate, all on a government-peon salary. Maybe then she'd appreciate a little stroll and chitchat with the lovely one.

I certainly don't dislike the Interview photos. But they look about as authentic as this one from W. We know Jake really is an active, sporty guy. Somehow these images manage to make him look like a fraud. I can't decide if the silliness of them was completely intentional, on the part of Jake or photographer Mark Seliger. Maybe I'm just cynical today.

I'll say this: Seliger missed the boat on this one. Jake should have been wearing a tank shirt and working those oars. I've always thought he had the shoulders and arms of a rower.

So, we have no evidence of Jake or anyone else from Rendition having been in New Jersey for the Filmmakers Symposium's opening week. Damn good thing I didn't sell one of my kidneys for travel money. Oh, well. The symposium continues to run through December 4. It might still happen, and if it does, someone, somewhere is sure to report having been there. If there's one universal truth, it is that people who see Jake in person all want to tell the world about it. I can't imagine why.

Nobody is more down-to-earth and genuinely cool than Jake Gyllenhaal. I just like him a lot personally. I feel that he has not been affected much by stardom. -- Jim Nelson, GQ's Editor in Chief

And he wasn't even the one interviewing Jake. Our boy leaves quite the impression.

Photos: Simple Answers to Complex Questions, IHJ, and Just Jared.

Totally random man

Wonderful news! It looks like that Jake Gyllenhaal Cloning Project was secretly carried off. Either that, or he truly is a supernatural being, the divine entity his...divine-ness...always suggested. How else can we explain his presence in three different states at the same time?



New York, NY:

Jake Gyllenhaal (wearing a Boston Red Sox baseball hat) and unidentified date leaving the restaurant August in the West Village after having brunch together and separating immediately after seeing a photographer, to avoid being photographed together. After going separate ways, they both got on their cell phones to speak to each other. 9.16.07

Austin, TX:

But readers have reported other sightings: ... Jake Gyllenhaal showed up for Wilco, while Long and Barrymore mugged for the big screens during the same show. Mark Zupan , captain of the United States quadriplegic wheelchair rugby team, hung out in the artists village on Sunday.

West Hollywood, CA:

While much of Hollywood flocked to the Emmy Awards, Jake Gyllenhaal hit up West Hollywood eatery Il Sole for a dinner meeting. The Rendition star delved into a seven-layer lasagna while he chatted business.

In the name of science, I endeavored to determine if Jake, as an actual time-space continuum-bound mortal, could in fact have been in all three locations on Sunday. Here's the breakdown:

• New York, lunch--I'm not a New Yorker, but in my parts, lunch would be the name applied to a meal generally occurring between 11 am and 2 pm. Let's say Jake's lunch ended around 2 pm.
• Jake departs New York at about 2:30 pm Eastern Daylight Time.
• Average flight duration between JFK airport (according to a brief and completely unscientific search at Orbitz) and AUS in Austin clocks in at 4 hours, 35 minutes.
• That would make it about 6:05 pm Central Daylight Time when Jake arrives in Texas.
• According to the festival's site, Wilco, the one act Jake was identified to have watched, went onstage between 6:30 pm and 7:45 pm Central.
• Assuming Jake left after the Wilco performance, which we'll say really finished up around 8 pm, he could have made it back to AUS by 8:30 (she says, without any clue as to how long it really takes to drive from the concert venue to the airport).
• Another unscientific search at Orbitz tells me that average flight duration from AUS to LAX is somewhere between 3 hours 5 minutes and 3 hours 10 minutes.
• Jake departs Texas about 8:45 Central Daylight time, and arrives in California at 9:50 Pacific Daylight Time. That's definitely still early enough for dinner, since Il Sole is open until 10:30 pm on Sundays, and I think Jake has been known to close a few restaurants.

My conclusion? Jake is one jet-lagged motherfucker. With a lot of frequent flier miles. The NY-TX-CA scenario is completely plausible, especially since all three sightings are well within the known behavior patterns for our darling globetrotter. Which actually kinda bums me out; I was really gunning for my own Jake clone.


Photos: futurepicenter, IHJ.

The bookstores are infinite

...and so are never full, except in September.

Homework avoidance always goes better with Jake.


Stephanie, you rock. This scan from the Toronto Star is my favorite shot so far from the series snapped in that hotel room at the TIFF. Naturally, it's the one that isn't available online, except in this form. I'll take what I can get.

One of Jake's frequent comments is that he still doesn't know who he really is. It's starting to sink in that this is a major contributor to my attraction. And that's not necessarily a good thing. It's one more example of my bizarre tendency to appreciate in others everything I loathe in myself. In someone Jake's age, with a beyond successful artistic career, that's an honest, even romantic thing to say. But for a woman of 35, who hasn't managed to get past the mild-to-moderate interest stage in any subject, ever, it feels like a well-deserved condemnation of self, a longer way of saying Me? I'm a loser. At least Jake does something creative that he loves right now. Who am I? There are things that I love, and things I love to do, but there is no one thing that has ever stood out to me as my thing. Instead, I do a job to earn money and pay bills. And I feel my self dying a little every day. Everyone I know, since I was in high school, has been asking me when I'm going to write a novel and get rich. Guess what? Not everyone who can write is a writer. There's just not enough in my head for that life, and it's something I've always known but been unable to explain to others.

So instead, I'm trying to find something that at least makes me feel like I'm using my intellect while I fail to blossom as an artist. That's why I'm back in school, studying computer science. That's why I have homework, which I am avoiding this very moment.

By the way, I am totally not as depressed today as all this sounds. I just watched Hal Dobbs make the most tender, beautiful love to Catherine Llewellyn (yes, again, because that never gets old) and I'm convinced that if I can just find myself a math geek who plays the drums, all of this will be a non-issue.

Besides, how could I be blue when Jake's talking to a director? Noah Baumbach, to be precise. I've been meaning to watch The Squid and the Whale since it's been on cable recently, but never got around to it. I guess now I could consider it research. Fingers crossed.

All photos: IHJ.

Was it good for you?

(or G-Day, Sept. 7, 2007: The Day the Gyllenhaalics Attacked!)

Congratulations to Kate (WDW) at Wet Dark and Wild and Becky (Prophecy Girl) at Jake Watch on their interactions with the Gyllenhaal yesterday at the Toronto International Film Festival. It was obvious to me from the photos posted by both women that they had indeed met each other there. (PG confirmed this in her JW post.)

Photo by WDW

Photo by Prophecy Girl

Not surprisingly, every Gyllenhaalic has her or his own perspective on Jake and what he means to them. I could sit here and make a table distinguishing our various opinions and beliefs, as I have interpreted them, but my point is that while we all see something wonderful in Jake, no two of us have exactly the same image of the man in our minds. He is someone, something, that is to be experienced uniquely by everyone. I love that about him.

Yes, the past 24 hours have been an orgy of Jakeness, but only in the most superficial way. It's not that I'm complaining about the photographs--who would? But any opportunity to hear from Jake, in his own words, is something I treasure, and so far the only interview available is this one from Entertainment Weekly. There were brief clips of Jake, intercut with Reese, discussing those rumors, but I am still waiting for something more of substance to come out of TIFF. I'm sure there is more on the way; I must be patient.

Meanwhile, these are my favorite random anecdotes and gags from the weekend's madness so far. First, the flight attendant boyfriend of Adrian, a moderator on the Dave Cullen forums, has become a major hero to the 'Lashers simply by telling them what in their hearts they already knew: Jake is a nice, charming young man. Chad said,

he is very handsome man and a lot more tall than I thought he was and he have great smile and he smile all the time. he does not act like other celebrity sometimes do. anyways, that is what I will tell you. he is very nice guy.

Yet another confirmation of Jake's renown goodness comes from a society writer at the Toronto National Post, who just happened to be in the kitchen of Sotto Sotto (Who the hell names their restaurant "below below"? Is it in a basement? Xenia, is there some other meaning here of which my terribly weak, musically-influenced grasp of Italian has not made me aware?) when the sunshine of my life walked in. In addition to his not-so-subtly appreciative description of Jake's appearance ("Deeply V-necked, pleasantly broad-shouldered, and with that paralyzing dopey smile..."), Shinan Govani tells us

Jake, meanwhile, gave us a glimpse of his singularly sportybrainy-emo brand in Hollywood — the kind of chap who can competitive-bike-ride, do crosswords and get teary-eyed via Keats. The night was almost done, and he, polite to the end, thanked everyone and told Mama in particular that he dug her lasagna.

Damn straight he did. Probably with a fork the size of a shovel.

While those who were graced with his shining presence seem unanimous in declaring Jake a walking anachronism of good manners and intellect gentleman, the online shenanigans have continued, including yet another reference to Jake's crotch (Lesbians love Jake, too; why am I not surprised? Featuring such quotable reader comments as "flip you over, eat you like a pudding cup, ass smacking beast")...and this silly parody which I am not at all embarrassed to admit made me laugh.

However, the single most moving thing I've read today was this dream described by jakethesnake at the DC Forum.

He's all playful, and being funny and silly, and I'm trying to hold it together. And then I notice that all the sudden the table is extremely intimate and cozy and Jake has scooted down in his chair and kinda nestled himself NEXT TO MY ARM!! We are touching!! The whole left side of my body is making contact with his whole right side....We remain like that for the entire program, snug as a bug in a rug. I keep stealing glances of his giant blue eyes (the room is dim and there are candles on the table and his eyes are glowing from the candles!) and he's still all giggly and warm and cozy. I can still feel his warmth on my body just thinking about it.

....I think it's kinda a metaphor for what he's really like...he's really warm and genuine and silly and playful.

This, to me, beats any sex dream by a million light years. Because it encapsulates exactly what it is that I, too, feel for Jake; this strange perception of a comfortable companion, someone with whom everything is all right, and safe, and fun. It's powerful stuff. I'm hoping I can have one just like it tonight.

Update:

Naturally, once I gave up looking for news and got busy downloading over 200 new images of Jake, Vanessa Farquharson updated her blog just for us. This woman is now an honorary Gyllenhaalic in my eyes. She asked, and Jake answered (!), no less than three of the questions I suggested on Thursday.

Me: Do you ever read anything about yourself on the Internet?
Jake: (Another pause) “Sometimes people send me funny things … I’ll leave it at that.”

Me: Do you know about the Jake in ‘08 presidential campaign? It was a MySpace page but it got taken down recently.
Jake: “Wow, no, I don’t.”

Me: I hear you’re really into food — how do you feel about cilantro? Some people love it but other people think it tastes like soap.
Jake: “Oh, I really don’t like cilantro! It’s like the only herb I don’t like.”
Me: It’s a very divisive herb.
Jake: “It is.”

As if I need more direct evidence that Jake really was put on this earth for me. Jake, we are meant to be together.

Unfortunately, she still hasn't replied to my inquiry about when her Rendition interview is going to be available. If anyone sees it somewhere, please, give me a shout.


Photos: Jake Watch, Wet Dark and Wild, IHJ, and one from I can't remember where. Don't sue me.

Toying with perfection

Pop quiz: What's wrong with this picture?
At first glance, nothing, right? How could there be? It's Jake, after all.

Ah! But to pureblood, hardcore, rubber-room Gyllenhaalics like me, something is a little...off. Zoom it to full size, and you might see what I mean. These photos have been retouched, and it's obvious if you look at Jake's forehead. Where's his little round scar?

When I first glimpsed the photos from this shoot, the combination of the intensity and surreal clarity nearly knocked me out of my chair. After a few seconds spent regaining my composure, however, I realized that it wasn't just the sharpness of the images that made them surreal. They're the most egregious case I've seen so far of digital manipulation.

Despite all the modern backlash against unrealistic physical ideals, photographers and magazines are still perpetuating this social prejudice, to the point that they feel it necessary to airbrush images of the most beautiful man person creature thing in existence. Really, if Jake isn't perfect enough for them, there is no hope for satisfaction. They may as well hang themselves now.

My favorite pictures of Jake are the ones in which I can make out all the little details, like this one. I love the fine hairs on his arm and cheek, the freckles, the tiny zit. Seeing a red spot or a scar or some other blemish reminds me that he is flesh and blood, a real human being like me and not just something pretty.

There's another form of Jake-tweaking that kinda drives me nuts, and that's this. Those are not Jake's natural eyebrows. The makeup artist or director or whoever decided that Jake's manly brows were too much for their film, and reduced him to this. It's been done before, I've noticed. Come on, people. I know those with weak hearts might not be able to handle the sight of untamed!Jake, but to try to give him girly-brows goes beyond grooming. It's arrogant and foolish.

Stop messing with Jake. You cannot improve upon perfection.

All photos: IHJ.