The $20,000 man

Congratulations of a sort are in order for royandronnie, who last night committed to shell out twenty thousand dollars for the privilege of spending an afternoon with Jake Gyllenhaal. Things started heating up just before 3 pm yesterday, with the competing bids of rammzoo, who apparently couldn't quite swing ten grand. That's when jiblumen stepped in and gave royandronnie a real run for her money, literally. Bidding trickled over into the final ten minutes of the auction, pushing the close time back by ten minutes per bid, though when I refreshed the page it looked more like a total of fifteen to me.

There's some confusion in the fandom over the ultimate outcome of last year's auction, no one able to remember hearing any account of the actual "date" with Jake. I'll be keeping an eye out for different results this time around. Check out the bid history for yourself. Marvel at the deep pockets of fanfic writers. Contemplate a change of career. Prepare for the coming apocalypse.

That is, for me, a serious amount of money. As Jake's price climbed, I began to imagine what I could do if I had that much disposable cash to my name. Here's a brief list of

Things I could do with $20,000

• Pay off the balance on my auto loan, twice


• Pre-order 635 copies of the Zodiac 2-disc Director's Cut


• Buy 200 pairs of Nike sneakers


• Fly to New Mexico today for the Brothers open casting call, and stay through the end of the shoot

Believe me, I'm not saying that even one hour with Jake wouldn't be worth twenty grand. I'd give the ACLU a million dollars just to spend ten minutes with him, if I could afford it. And that's what it all comes down to: relative value. One's definition of afford, as well. The inherent evil of an auction like this is that it's so easy for someone who can't really afford it to justify going into debt to fund what will certainly be a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Especially someone susceptible to fandom to begin with, and in particular the appreciation of a man whose appeal has surprisingly little to do with his outer beauty. We're even more presupposed to emotionally-driven choices, by our nature. While it's not up to the ACLU to stop someone from behaving irrationally or irresponsibly, it's ethically questionable at best to bait us with the promise of something we could never otherwise have.

By extension, I guess that means Jake should take some of the responsibility for what might happen. I don't have access to his bank balances, but I'm thinking $20,000 is not such a big deal to him. True, by offering his time instead of just handing that much over to the ACLU himself, he has given one or two fans the chance to fulfill a dream. He's probably not even aware of how insane he makes people; he's not an idiot but he doesn't really know how bad it is. Or maybe, maybe he figures that anyone foolish enough to go beyond their means for something like this deserves everything that comes with that choice, good and bad. We'll probably never know.

Photos: IHJ, and I don't know where.

Conan O'Brien saves the world

Okay, not really. But he did give us the absolute best, most delightfully bizarre moments with Jake so far this week. He's also the first one to even mention Zodiac among Jake's past work. Just about everything that was missing from all the prior interviews was here, starting with a change of clothes for Jake. Whether this was arbitrary or the result of some misfortune befalling the pinstriped suit, we can't say.

Conan cited the Jake Gyllenhaal beard effect, which induced Jake to talk about how he smells. This is very dangerous territory, and once again I wonder if Jake knows what he's doing to some of us when he says these things.

Having (more subtly than on his last visit) trashed his father's judgment on Letterman, it was someone else's turn to be embarrassed by Jake on national television: his friend, the devoted Red Sox fan. Gyllenhaalics can pretty well guess who that is, and being able to picture him as Jake tells the story makes it that much funnier. I always prefer that Jake humiliate himself rather than a loved one when giving interviews, but in this case a little payback for some truly eye-catching behavior was probably in order, so I'm with him here. Plus he's just so damn adorable in telling it; it's Jake's recreation that everyone will see and make fun of, and he knows that.

Conan also managed to ask Jake a somewhat personal question that wasn't invasive. I hope other tv hosts around America were taking notes. Jake said yes, he went a little crazy being between jobs for several months, and then gave us the musical tie-in that we should have had on Letterman with 50 Cent by singing a bit of Gnarls Barkley. Which he parlayed into a Gnarls Barkley duet with Conan. I love this man.

Um, Jake, that is, though Conan has definitely won me over in his own right.

So, will Jon Stewart ask Jake any of the questions sent in by fans? Honestly, it would be more than I hope for. This week's schedule is so full of Jakey goodness it has made the home stretch to Rendition's opening fly by, and the promise of another red carpet appearance (Roma Film Fest) immediately following means my adrenaline--and my pheremones--will be pumping for a while to come.

Nervous yet?

I think I’m more nervous talking with David Letterman, because I know how smart he is, than I am because of all the people watching it. -- Jake Gyllenhaal in Interview, 10/07

TVGuide.com has listed an appearance by Jake on The Late Show with David Letterman for Monday, October 15. Let's hope that Dave can be bothered this time to learn what role Jake plays in Rendition, and that Paul Shaffer will say something just as silly as last time so Jake can zing him again. It should be the kickoff to a week full of Rendition promotion, not unlike the orgasmic leadup to Zodiac we enjoyed in February.

Jake's interviews are always a treat, though the fun factor depends on the interviewer. That's why it seemed odd to hear this entertaiment blogger call Jake's sense of humor "Hollywood's darkest secret." Huh? Since when is it a secret that Jake is extremely witty, with a natural sense of comedic timing? I'm not complaining, per se; Caroline Kepnes is gushing about how funny--and smart--our boy is, but does one really have to be obsessed to notice the qualities that led Brad Silberling to compare Jake to one-time comic icon Jerry Lewis during his commentary on Moonlight Mile?

She goes on to say that "That's why a brilliant, sophisticated comedy writer—like Woody Allen, Mike White, Julie Delpy or Nicole Holofcener—should pen a script for Jake." It's completely unclear from her statement whether she's aware that Jake already had roles in a White (The Good Girl) and a Holofcener (Lovely & Amazing) film.* I concede, those weren't written for him, but they weren't exactly my idea of lighthearted fare. Did she really think The Good Girl was funny? I thought it was tragic. Jake could definitely run away with a Woody Allen script, though, so I'm with her there.

Meanwhile, my number one thought while reading her post was, when do we get to see this press conference? I suppose it's too much to ask that it was recorded for later use, but I'd settle for just a transcript. When it comes to Jake doing press, I'm very greedy. I want it all.

*Edited to add: I know, she did acknowledge The Good Girl in the prior sentence. But her next statement made it sound like she was suggesting something wholly new. Bah, I'm medicated today.

All captures: IHJ.

Desperation grows

Not sure I can take much more of this waiting. True, I have every movie Jake's made since he was 17 on DVD to watch over and over again, not to mention all those interviews from February on the DVR. But damn, Jake, I'm missing you. Hearing that he and Reese had apparently canceled all one-on-one interviews at TIFF did not improve this situation, though I am willing to believe that it was done for good reason.

This, on the other hand, defies reason. It's one of the handful of inane hit results returned when I search these days for news of Jake's status. This is what a Jakeless summer has reduced us to. This, and Maggie in expensive S&M undies (looking sexy as hell, but not, alas, her brother), and unconfirmed stories regarding relationships of former costars (to which I refuse to link and whom are also not Jake).

Darling, please, come up for air soon, okay?

While I'm hoping to find out what the hell Jake's doing now, I find it interesting in a sociological kind of way to observe what sort of information others are seeking about him.

Lycos's search results page offers:

Narrow Your Search
Jake Gyllenhaal Wallpaper
Biography and Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal Interviews
Fan Club for Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal Married
Jake Gyllenhaal Facts
How Tall Is Jake Gyllenhaal
The Actor Jake Gyllenhaal
Does Jake Gyllenhaal Have a Girlfriend
Is Jake Gyllenhaal Gay

and behind their "More »" link...

Where Does Jake Gyllenhaal Live [stalker or newbie paparazzo? you decide]
Who Is Jake Gyllenhaal Dating [this matters why, exactly?]
Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal Related
Jake Gyllenhaal Body
Jake Gyllenhaal Filmography
Jake Gyllenhaal Backgrounds
Jake Gyllenhaal No Clothes [apparently the word "nude" escapes the typical Lycos searcher]
Is Jake Gyllenhaal Single
Jake Gyllenhaal Favorite Color [nice to know Jake still has 13-year-old fans, too]
Jake Gyllenhaal Desktop Wallpaper
Jake Gyllenhaal Wallpaper 2003
Jake Gyllenhaal Posters
How Much Does Jake Gyllenhaal Weigh [planning on carrying him away to your secret hideout, perhaps?]
Jake Gyllenhaal Buddy Icons
Jake Gyllenhaal Birthday
Kirsten Dunst Boyfriend

I really need to stay away from the web searches for a while. It's all very depressing.

All photos: IHJ.

In the stars

What better to do on a rainy, dismal day than stretch out on my bed and watch Zodiac again?

Okay, there are many other things I should be doing, but none are anywhere near as enjoyable. Jake's eyelashes should have received separate billing in this film. And so far, I think only Ang Lee equals David Fincher for masterful use of those big blue eyes in telling a story. Thank you, Mr. Fincher, for at least half a dozen underlit shots of Jake in profile talking on a phone. Yummy.

For anyone out there who does not have a selection of Jake's movies on DVD to wile away the time, here's another option. Top Synergy is a website that offers what they call "relationship analysis" based on astrology, and users can obtain free analysis reports matching themselves with one of a fair selection of celebrities, including Jake Gyllenhaal. Several months back, I was led there by a friend to see what my match with Jake would look like.

Before I show you the result, I must issue this disclaimer: I don't really believe in astrology. Those who do, please don't be offended by my dismissal of this information as purely entertainment, not a guide for life choices.

Here is what Top Synergy had to tell me about my potential with Jake.

Click the graphic to go to my stored results page at Top Synergy

If you read the explanation provided by Top Synergy, you'll notice that relationship types highlighted in purple are supposed to indicate a probable good match. And if you look at my Personal Relationships chart, you'll notice the whole damn thing is purple. This tickles me no end.

Should anyone wish to recreate my results, because you disbelieve me or just want to know what my match with someone else would look like, here are my details:

gender: female
birth date: Jan 14 1972
birth time: 03:48
country: United States
state: Florida
city: Lauderhill

Naturally, to inject a smidge of science into the game, I have compared myself to two of my previous celebrity crushes (neither of which was quite like what I feel about Jake). My match with Ewan McGregor is somewhat disappointing, I must say.



With David Duchovny, I fared much better.



It has not escaped me that in the Passion subset, every one of these matches indicates the man would have a "dominant" or greater passion for me, and that all but Duchovny have a greater passion for me than I do them. This has something to do with my chart, which apparently indicates I am some type of sex magnet. If you knew how funny that idea is to me, you'd understand exactly why I say that I do not believe in astrology. I do consider myself highly sexed, but so far it has not brought me great success in attracting partners. The thing is full of contradictions, but then again, so am I. However, on the whole, I'd say it's more inaccurate than accurate. I'll leave it to those interested to figure out why.

If you match yourself up with Jake, you can share your results in the comments.

Oh, and an apology to the two readers who had voted in the new poll before I recreated it. I somehow had managed to leave Jimmy Livingston off the list. Blasphemy! Bubble Boy is definitely among my top four of Jake's movies. Please vote again. I already put in my vote for Harold "how embarrassing is it if I say last night was wonderful?" Dobbs.

Zodiac captures: IHJ.

Ruminating and anticipating

Additional photos of Jake on the Rendition set in March have appeared on IHJ. That hair is killing me. Reminder to self: put spare underwear in purse for this movie.

There is no doubt I'll be physically attracted to Douglas Freeman (I already am), but will I like him? He promises to be a departure for Jake: conservative, ambitious, buttoned-down, perhaps even suave. How different will he be from the likes of Donnie Darko or Tony Swofford? One of the many reasons I'm a Gyllenhaalic is Jake's ability to imbue every character with a tremendous dose of humanity. No matter what questionable situation the character may find himself in, I'm moved because I actually care about a person Jake has made real.

With someone as visually striking as Jake is, it might be reasonable to think audiences would have a tough time embracing his Robert Graysmith or Harold Dobbs; what socially backward obsessive cartoonist or lovesick mediocre mathematician has ever looked like that? But Jake pulls it off expertly every time. He's so believable that he is that character as I watch.

So, will Doug Freeman, CIA operative, win my heart? I know he will.

Maybe I've lost all objectivity. I watched October Sky followed by Zodiac yesterday, and while there was arguably more subtlety and nuance required for the part of Robert Graysmith, 18-year-old Jake's Homer Hickam is more than credible sharing the screen with Chris Cooper as John Hickam. Some things you can learn with experience; some things are just about talent. I'm inclined to believe that Jake's incredible work is the result of both, but especially talent.

Photos: IHJ.

Another workout revelation

How do they get these photos? IHJ has just posted a new set of shots which appear to be from The Guardian Weekend article promoting Zodiac's UK release. Okay, so they aren't new new, but damn, there are a lot more than we've already seen.

This is, I believe, the look of Douglas Freeman, whom we will meet in Rendition. As if I weren't already excited enough about that upcoming release. I also suspect someone else has dressed him for this shoot, as I didn't realize it before, but Jake is missing the trademark white undershirt.

On a related (not really, but it is if I say it is) note, Jake's Rendition co-star, Reese Witherspoon, was just announced yesterday to be Avon's first ever Global Ambassador. Chalk up another learning experience for me--I had no idea of the existence of the Avon Foundation, but apparently I'm the only one. All I know is, there I was at the gym, once again looking up momentarily from my book during a rest between sets, and I saw Reese in some kind of press conference, followed by a blurb about a first look at her new movie Rendition tomorrow night. Which would now be tonight. For those who are desperate enough to sit through one of these so-called entertainment shows to possibly get a peek at some clips, it was either Entertainment Tonight or Insider (because sometimes they talk on ET about stuff they want you to watch on Insider, and I couldn't hear a word that was said, and I was too excited to read the captioning). I tried to verify this info for you, but according to TV Guide, neither show has anything about Reese, Rendition, or Jake. So don't blame me if you sit down with a bowl of popcorn and end up watching 30 minutes of crap. We're all taking a chance here. But I think it's worth it.


All photos: IHJ.

Want vs. get

For anyone who's curious, I opened my Zodiac DVD last night and discovered that they really weren't kidding about it being bare-bones. There's nothing in here but a disc and an anti-theft sticker. No insert, not even one of those stupid coupons for some other movie. Nothing. Fortunately, all I wanted from this release was the original film as it appeared in the theater, and that, I believe, is what I got. With a criminally bad cover design. I haven't had time to watch it yet, but I'm not looking forward to sitting through the blurb for the "Director's Cut." There won't be anyone from Paramount around for me to glare at.

However, at least I know that those great extras, including Jake's commentary, are coming eventually. The same can not be said about Brokeback Mountain. I was reminded of the relative disappointment of that release when I went in search of the highest-possible quality version of the trailer so that I could bring you this shot. Don't bother clicking it. It doesn't get any bigger. If it did, Jack would be a pixelated, amorphous smudge anyway. But I wouldn't have had to go digging on the internet for a copy of the trailer if they'd included it on the "2-Disc Collector's Edition" DVD. While it did have some wonderful extras, it lacked the things I believe we all wanted most: deleted scenes and commentary, at least from Ang Lee if not cast members. I want to know why Jack was standing alone on the bridge. I want to see Ennis and Jack rescue the hippies. There is always the possibility that an anniversary edition somewhere down the line will be released and include all the precious bits that we've been missing.

Here's the reason I was looking for that all-too-brief glimpse of shirtless Jack in the first place. This was the first of the two BBM fanfic-ish stories I wrote. It just sort of came into my head one morning, and it wouldn't leave me. Some people have said they liked it; I'm glad, but the most important thing is what it meant to me, and that's Jack's capacity for love and sacrifice. Go ahead and comment, please. Let me know how daffy you think it is. Or if it's the best thing you've read since Annie Proulx's original short story, by all means, don't tell me--tell some publisher so I can get out of my crappy government job and get a writing deal. Yeah. Want...versus get.