10/6/07

Affliction

The splendor of Jake at the LA Rendition press conference

This, I confess
that I have been so afflicted
by a thought of you
I have sat awake these hours
slaving not to exorcise it
but savoring, for all the torture it brings.

Longing like this
impelled not by your face
--an image unparalleled
--but only the surface
of a profound beauty, so deep
it is beyond mere words.

How can anyone be all that you are?
How can I be satisfied by any less?


(Lame, but you should have seen what I wrote before this. No, on second thought, no one should ever see that.)

Photo: IHJ.

11 comments

BirdGirl said...

Beautiful! I have had many, many, many, many (you get the point) nights like that. It is such a helpless feeling knowing that I will never have him. Sometimes it gets very depressing. Then I get depressed that I'm depressed about it. I'm hopeless. I know you know exactly how I feel and it makes me feel better. :)

BTW I saw Ryan Adams and The Cardinals last night. It was fucking awesome. Did you see that episode of Henry when they were on?

Cherita said...

Glad you liked it, and it's funny you got exactly the point that was killing me last night and lingers today, though I only used those words in the piece I didn't publish: I can't have him, and sometimes when I'm at my weakest, it's too much. While I think what I've done the past two days probably triggered my crying fit last night, it might have happened anyway simply with those photos. I don't think I'm done visiting it yet...there may be another post today. And yeah, then I feel like a total jerk for feeling that way. And the being not alone in feeling it is actually part of my problem the past two days, though I can't explain further than to say if I see it, and someone else sees it, and then someone else again...maybe he really is everything we see. That's worse than believing it's all in my head.

No, I don't think I caught that episode, I don't remember it. Must have aired before I set up my series recording. Sounds like at least one of us had a good time!

BirdGirl said...

Awww, try and cheer yourself up today. Watch Jakes SNL. Or you could revisit Jake Week I. I'm actually in kind of funk today too. It doesn't help that I finally got a weekend off and I am soooooooo bored. Maybe I should look at more beard pictures. :)

Cherita said...

Funny you should suggest that, too, because it's exactly what I'm doing. ;) Turns out the easiest method of transferring video from my DVR to the computer requires playing it back...such a chore! Seriously, I had not bothered watching the rest of the shows since they first aired, the openings. On the Letterman episode, when Dave recaps that Academy Award Nominee Jake Gyllenhaal is on the show, there's a very masculine voice in the audience right at the beginning of the applause that shouts, "Yeah!" I don't know why that tickled me so, but it did. I love the way Jake affects people. I just wish he were mine. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Then again, maybe it still would.

BirdGirl said...

I had to check back and see how you were doing. I glad you found something to occupy your time.:)

What can I say, everyone loves Jake. And if you don't there is something wrong with you.

Your right it might hurt just as much if you had to share him with the world. It would kind of be fun finding out though wouldn't it? ;)

Cherita said...

Thanks for checking up on me. :) I actually went out to dinner with my family for a while, too, so that kept me busy. But Jake is still very much on my mind, and yes, his name came up in the restaurant. My family knows I'm afflicted; I just try not to let them see how bad it is at times like this. I still feel another...something, coming on tonight. Especially after I've finished watching all of these shows!

And yes, it might be nice to pretend that I could be secure enough if I had him, but knowledge of the universality of his effect makes that very unlikely. I would love to give it a shot, though.

BirdGirl said...

Well I'm glad you got out of the house. I had a girlfriend come over and we watched "Half Nelson". Have you seen that movie yet? God it's good, but very depressing. Needless to say it didn't help my mood.

Try and think happy Jake thoughts the rest of the night. Maybe it will give you some sexy dreams. Even though I know you say you never have them. :)

Good night sweetie.

Xenia said...

Hey Cherita...sometimes it's hard being so far that you can't reach out and give away a hug or a kiss or a smile or whatever to make someone feel better...:(
I would say I feel the same sometimes but you're right...that only makes things worse...

It's funny because these week-end I have been so excited thinking about having NEVER felt so pushed (I'm not sure about my grammar at this point, be patient my friend)to share my feelings about one of my obsessions (and I've had a few) with so many people...always been so serious, so brooding, so fucking hard to myself and God so so fucking sad that I'm feeling like a newborn these days...so I thought I would have e-mailed you to tell you : you've right Cherita, Jake makes us younger, happier, makes us feeling better!! Geez.. Jake made me communicate, even if behind a mask, but I'd have no esitations, seriously, if I had more money actually, to reach you whereever you are and talk to you, or anybody else I've known in this Jake adventure...

But we were talking about you...well...I'm thinking I will update the prose/poetry thread these days...check it up when you feel it...:)

ncwoman said...

Oh honey....(((((HUGS)))))

I've been there, believe me. So depressed I couldn't stand it, because I was madly in love with a Hollywood celebrity half my age. And had about as much of a chance of meeeting him, let alone landing him, as a snowball's chance in hell. But does that essential fact change the way I felt, or invalidate my feelings? Hell no. The human heart is a strange animal...there's never any logic to it.

Hope you're doing better, my friend. And along with the myriad other things we have in common, writing is our therapy. Where would we be without it?

ncwoman said...

Oh and by the way...

That picture would cause anyone's heart to break into a million tiny pieces!!!

*SIIIIIIIIIIGH*

Cherita said...

Thanks, Xenia and Charlene, for the reassurance that I'm not alone. I'm feeling so pathetic and insane, but I promise you both, I am getting a better handle on it. I haven't cried since...well, yesterday, actually, in the car. But that was different. I was thinking about how seeing that gun under Douglas Freeman's coat had done something to me, and then about Jack Twist and that shotgun, and that led me to poor Donnie with his dad's gun. I couldn't help it, I started crying thinking about tearful, confused, heartbroken Donnie. And if I don't shut up now, I'll end up doing it again. Someone smack me, really hard.