10/23/07

Zen-less

Disclaimer: Anyone who feels they might be offended to read the honest, confused, irrelevant and disturbed reactions of a strange fan, please leave now. You won't like this. And you can't leave me nasty comments because registration is required, so you might as well move along.


Just when I thought my head couldn't get any more fucked up.

I've been battling a migraine for the past five days, and now I know why. It was the harbinger of abysmal, soulcrushing depression to come.

It's not like this is a complete shock. Except it is, in its way, because of all the denials. Except those denials weren't really denials, were they? They were carefully worded dodges, witty retorts and (in her case) intimidating refusals to answer bolstered by publicists crawling around on all fours during interviews. I have actually been telling myself for weeks that I would be relieved if Jake made a relationship public, because then, all the speculation would be over, Jake could go about his business and stop facing the irrelevant questions that reporters and talk show hosts had no right to ask. I thought I wanted this.

So why does it hurt?

Jake Gyllenhaal does not owe us anything, least of all any kind of insight into his private life. But for someone like me, who has staunchly defended his right to privacy and even suggested that some people were a little overeager to believe the tabloids, it's like a dirty trick. Hah! You tell people to stop speculating about me? Here's what you get: proof that those tabloids actually were right. Now I must resign myself to never doubting another bloody word I read attributed to US Weekly, People and OK.

I guess this means we should all be bracing ourselves for Brokeback 2?

Sigh.

What the hell, Jake? Don't you understand? You're far too special to be sharing yourself with another Hollywood type, no matter how respectable she may appear to be. You are supposed to be with me. Only me, forever. I'm the only one who knows how truly unique you are, who appreciates all your little quirks, who noticed the gray spot in your beard before you did, who dreams of you not because you're the most beautiful man in the world, but because you are sweet, and dorky, and funny, and warm, and sometimes a bit of a prick, and frequently can't articulate your way out of a paper bag, and more than anyone real in my life, you feel like a friend. See, I've only ever really loved my friends. I'm not one of those women who has friendships with one type of man but prefers another as a partner. I don't lust after the bad boy or the guy who treats me the worst. I might even be unique myself, because I don't know anyone else who has been alone her entire life, always the friend, never the girlfriend or lover. Never the lover. I can't be with just anyone. It has to be someone I love and trust. There have only been a few men who fit that description, and they were the best friends I ever had, but that's as far as it could go for them: friendship.

I am confused by fans I see online talking about jealousy over this, who clearly have partners in their real lives. If I had someone, I wouldn't fucking be here. Yes, Jake is talented, and I'd still enjoy his movies, but I wouldn't need him. And I do need him. He's my surrogate boyfriend, the lover I don't have, the fantasy man. That he's probably been seeing someone for months while I successfully used him in this fashion might rationally sound like a reason to relax, but I'm here to tell you it hasn't helped me.

I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me. 'Cause I live to like you, and...and I can't like you any more. -- Duckie Dale (Jon Cryer), Pretty in Pink


I'm not an idiot. Just because he wasn't with someone else never meant that I had a chance, and yes, I recognize that fact. Nor do we have any guarantee that this is the last relationship he will ever have. And more than anything I want for him, I want him to be happy. My irrational reaction is my problem, not his. Why this should have any effect on my fantasies, I can't really say. It just does. Not being able to constantly escape into thoughts of being with him is a terrifying prospect to me. On my way home from work tonight, I honestly started to panic; my life is so colorless and flat and I have literally no clue what to do with myself, professionally or otherwise. Having filled every (oh, so many) hollow moment with contemplation of Jake in some form or other for so long, I can't imagine anything else suffusing me with that ebullient passion. Nothing's as easy as loving Jake.

7 comments

Xenia said...

Cherita my friend, I really don't know what to say except that I would like to be with you and give you a tight hug right now...:*

I understand you, believe me and the only reason I'm not that broken is that I'm so crazy to hold the conviction that Jake can't love me because he DOESN'T KNOW ME!

And seeing him so happy with someone, happy not because he's acting being happy and in love in a movie, but seeing him IN LOVE in real life is so beautiful that makes me feel a little delirious I don't know why...go figure...

Just one thing : we don't read gossip magazines not because they lie but because we don't care about what they say!! :)

ncwoman said...

Cherita darling, all I can say, as lame as it sounds, is that I know how you feel. You know I had this crushing depression back in April when these rumors first started flying, and yes, I felt panic at that time too. I would stare at Jake's picture on my wall and just weep with the futility of my feelings, and the total irrationality of it all. And yes, it was my problem, not Jake's, and somehow that made it even worse.

But you know what? Heaven (I know you don't believe, but I do... ;) ) sent me an angel in the form of a brilliant, sensitive, warm, empathetic and totally understanding friend by the name of Cherita, and that is when our deep friendship was born. You sent me a message of support, and a poem, and it helped, more than you can ever know. It helped just knowing someone understood the pain and anguish I was going through.

And I want to return that blessing to you now, my friend. Please know that your friends...Xenia, BirdGirl, Prophecy Girl, me, and anyone else I may have missed, all understand what you are going through and are here to support you.

And I hope with time you will gain a little perspective and the pain will ease for you.

Just remember and hold on to this thought...you are forever my friend, I love you, and I can't wait to put my arms around you tomorrow and give you a bear hug!

Xenia said...

Oh Charlene, DITTO, DITTO, DITTO!!!

We love you Cherita!! :*

Prophecy Girl said...

Oh Cherita, GOD do I understand. There's no way I'd do half of what I do online if there was someone in "real life" for me. It's made all the more crushing by the fact that I have quite literally wasted away 15 months of my life trying to get Jake's attention, and what do I have to show for it? An embarrassingly emotional reaction to seeing him hold hands with someone. And here I thought I was over the "crush" part!

I am, however, thankful that you, and others, DO understand and we can talk through this. I tried lamenting to my RL friends last night and they ranged from disinterested to non-responsive. It was not helpful. Your post, however, is. This is an upsetting situation for a lot of us and I'm glad that you put your feelings out there honestly. It actually makes me feel less alone.

I can relate to so much that you write about. Like ncwoman said, we're here for you and we can support each other through what the outside world might see as irrational behavior. ;) Like you wrote in the forum, we can't help what we feel so, let's go with it. Let's be upset! :)

BirdGirl said...

Aww sweetie. It will be okay. It has to. Everyday it will be a little better. And if it's not we have each other.

I am so grateful to you guys that no matter how fucked up or irrationally distraught I get about this you will never judge me. And I will never judge you guys.

I want you all to go over to the JW forum and check out what I posted in the sexy pic thread. It made me smile and it is my way of giving all of you a big ol hug.

We love you Cherita. You help me so much. Always feel free to come talk to us.

Cherita said...

I wish I hadn't worked late today. I should have just taken the whole damn day off, but I had to get the payroll done because I don't trust anyone else there to do it. So I'm here for only a brief time.

Thank you so, so much for your words of support, all of you. It helps more than you will ever know to be able to just spill these things and know that you will understand, whether or not you agree.

Xenia, I wish we could meet. Rest assured that Charlene will be giving me big hugs tomorrow, and I her, but it would be nice if we could include you, and BG and PG too. Believe me, I have indulged in exactly that thought many times today: It's just because he doesn't know me. I've even tacked a little ...yet on the end once or twice. I'm just afraid to run with that fantasy because I am a very obsessive person and I could easily lose myself in such a delusion.

Oh, Charlene, you always make me cry! I hope you won't be upset if I post the poem, on both (maybe all) our behalves, to the blog as my parting shot for the weekend. Maybe after we've partied a bit, all this will be incidental when I get home.

PG, thanks again for appreciating the honesty. It's all I can do. And it sounds like you and I really got hit with almost identical aluminum WTF baseball bats on this one. Except I hadn't been doing this long enough to think I'd lost those feelings yet. What a relief that we all have each other, because you know what? As much as my family and few acquaintances know about my obsession, I have not said one word about this to any of them. Not one. I can't. Outsiders would not understand. My mother might, because like Charlene discussed on the forum, she was an Elvis girl...but she'd worry about me, so, no.

BirdGirl, you're right, it's a relief not to be judged, and I know I won't die of this. Thanks for your forum post! I am still mentally appreciating it right now. :)

Hugs back to all of you. Time for one last post, and then I really need to go!

BirdGirl said...

This shit has got me so frazzled that I think about getting in my car and driving to you guys. Then I realize I do have a job and responsibilities to tend to. And let's face it, my shitty car probably wouldn't make it anyway. Have fun you two and stay safe. :)