The bookstores are infinite
...and so are never full, except in September.
Homework avoidance always goes better with Jake.
Stephanie, you rock. This scan from the Toronto Star is my favorite shot so far from the series snapped in that hotel room at the TIFF. Naturally, it's the one that isn't available online, except in this form. I'll take what I can get.
One of Jake's frequent comments is that he still doesn't know who he really is. It's starting to sink in that this is a major contributor to my attraction. And that's not necessarily a good thing. It's one more example of my bizarre tendency to appreciate in others everything I loathe in myself. In someone Jake's age, with a beyond successful artistic career, that's an honest, even romantic thing to say. But for a woman of 35, who hasn't managed to get past the mild-to-moderate interest stage in any subject, ever, it feels like a well-deserved condemnation of self, a longer way of saying Me? I'm a loser. At least Jake does something creative that he loves right now. Who am I? There are things that I love, and things I love to do, but there is no one thing that has ever stood out to me as my thing. Instead, I do a job to earn money and pay bills. And I feel my self dying a little every day. Everyone I know, since I was in high school, has been asking me when I'm going to write a novel and get rich. Guess what? Not everyone who can write is a writer. There's just not enough in my head for that life, and it's something I've always known but been unable to explain to others.
So instead, I'm trying to find something that at least makes me feel like I'm using my intellect while I fail to blossom as an artist. That's why I'm back in school, studying computer science. That's why I have homework, which I am avoiding this very moment.
By the way, I am totally not as depressed today as all this sounds. I just watched Hal Dobbs make the most tender, beautiful love to Catherine Llewellyn (yes, again, because that never gets old) and I'm convinced that if I can just find myself a math geek who plays the drums, all of this will be a non-issue.
Besides, how could I be blue when Jake's talking to a director? Noah Baumbach, to be precise. I've been meaning to watch The Squid and the Whale since it's been on cable recently, but never got around to it. I guess now I could consider it research. Fingers crossed.
All photos: IHJ.
9 comments
Aawww Cherita, it sounds like you need a great big hug right now. *Big o'l bear hug*. I know how frustrated you get. Don't be too hard on yourself. I feel like my life is a big pile of shit 90% of the time. At least you have a decent job. I am, on the other hand, the retail queen. That my dear is really depressing! I always tell people that this is what happens to you when you give up on school. I went to 2 year community college and couldn't even finish. I keep telling myself that I deserve better and I need to find the motivation to do something about it. I only have a few things that keep me sane, My man, my other man (Jake), and you guys.
Keep your chin up girl. Some day your prince will come. Whether or not he is a Harold Dobbs clone, that remains to be seen. But he will come.
By the way did you check out my new avatar on Jake Watch? I know that you will appreciate it.
Thanks for the hug, which I always need. :) And I wouldn't say I had a decent job, but it's better than unemployment. So, you work at the Retail Rodeo, eh? ;) There's nothing wrong with that. Someone has to do it, right? Like my job, pushing paper for the county government. I've just always wanted more, something I could be proud of. I'm cursed with an artist's spirit but not the talent or the passion to use it. My passions all come in short, random bouts and depart just as randomly. Fleeting.
Like I said, I'm not as depressed as I sound about it; just in a contemplative mood, I guess.
I did see your new avatar yesterday, and commented on it. I also left you some nice treats in the Jarhead pics thread. Go indulge.
Great post Cherita...even if it comes from bitterness :(
And I subscribe everything you say : I'm 36, I'm an employee, my salary is ridiculous, I work for people who are less intelligent and well-read than I am in order to pay for my studies I've always been really passionate about but not so much to not leave them like I did 15 years ago... and sometimes I feel like 'I'm nothing and nowhere' too...
No, not everyone that can write is a writer...
I wanted to be a writer all of my life but I've never liked what I wrote and destroyed what I wrote every time until I realised I was not a writer and never will be so I use my hypercriticism and hypersensibility to what is beatiful and 'valuable' aknowledging someone else's art and worshipping that work of art that is Jake.:)
Yes, I think it's quite common to have these feelings, at least among intelligent people with creative tendencies.
I'm sad to hear that you actually have destroyed much of your writing. I've never been compelled to do that...I have a sort of morbid fondness for even the stuff I would never show to anyone; I like to remember what I've done and think about how I may have improved, or recall whatever it was that inspired me. Maybe I am a writer, just an incredibly lazy one. :P
Yeah too bad I don't have Holden to fuck in the stock room. :)
I had to delete on of my comments for some reason it tried to post twice. I didn't think anyone needed to read it twice.
OT :
Jake's (maybe)fulfilling mine and yours and every Gyllenhaalic's requests!:)
Take a look by yourself :
http://wetdarkandwild.blogspot.com/2007/09/we-have-project-jake-and-tobey-to-be.html
Oh and BirdGirl: no Holden for me even!! Work is a bitch! ;)
BirdGirl, you cracked me up. I agree, that would probably improve anyone's day. Of course, then there's the whole issue of his obsessive love turning him to a tragic end. If we could do without that part, Holden would be quite the pick-me-up. :)
Xenia, I do appreciate that you were telling me about the Brothers item even as I was reading and writing about it myself. I would never want someone not to give me a heads-up on something, just in case. I don't have the best sources in the world, you know.
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